“bloop a loop a loop” — that’s the sound the pedestrian crossing makes. I had never walked that direction before. I hadn’t walked past all the bus stops on the main road or experienced the frequent mini ‘turn left at any time with care’ zebra crossings. It was all new, yet felt safe enough. Having Peanut and my noise cancelling headphones created an extra barrier of security not only on the walk, but also as we walked inside the hardware store. I knew which aisle to go to, having been to that particular Bunnings many-a time on trips home from shifts with my support worker. The self serve checkouts were closed, something I’d already anticipated given the hour of day, so we simply went to the counter, exchanged the usual retail pleasantries, and checked out.

Easy. Done

I stood outside and did a self check-in. I was still within my window of tolerance. More vulnerable parts of self were not overly distressed. I was still in a state of what I often describe as flowy-ness. Multiple parts were around but we were experiencing the world together— collaborating. Younger parts that were anxious but also wanted to experience the world weren’t being pushed backwards by protective parts, but instead were being accompanied by them, alongside caretaker parts encouraging them as we— I, engaged with the outside world. I paused for a few extra seconds on the grass and snapped a picture of Peanut, the Bunnings sign visible in the background. I wanted a record of this moment.

I was feeling good. Good enough to complete my ‘bonus round’ task.

Although I have a goal of spending less money on takeaway and the like this year, I found a $5 note and some gold coins in an old purse the other day— meaning anything purchased with that is free. Right? Right?

”Girl math” and a drive for caffeine sent me a few hundred meters further down the road to the Gloria Jeans to treat myself to a cold beverage. I was feeling slightly more anxious about the bonus task than I was about picking up bin bags. I had never been into this location before, with or without Peanut. Would someone tell me I can’t have a dog inside? Would I not only have to make a coffee order but also advocate for myself and explain that assistance dogs have public access rights? It has happened a handful of times since receiving Peanut last year, and although I am becoming more confident in explaining the legalities, I hoped today would not be another exception.

Thankfully, my wishes were granted. I walked in, and none of the staff said a word about it, none that I could hear at least—headphones. It was quiet inside, and my order for a regular iced mocha on oat was completed in a timely fashion. Peanut sat at my feet while I waited, and wagged his tail as I praised him on the way out. I snapped another picture, this one of him in a down position in front of the neon Gloria Jeans sign. We did it! Task number two, the bonus round and final checkbox for our Saturday adventure.

And so, I walk across the cafe’s drive thru lane onto the sidewalk, iced mocha in one hand, leash in the other and slide my headphones back onto my head as the traffic from the highway whirrs past me. I thought I could deal without on the walk home but fuck it is busy for a Saturday. I’m more mindful of my pace this time, due to the looming clouds and noticing symptoms of presyncope crop up from my POTs.
Twenty minutes later and we arrived home. After a quick shower due to the grossness of muggy weather sweating, I finally sat and took a moment to reflect after completing what some would define as a ‘small’ set of errands. I shared the snaps of Peanut to my main support Cee, then to my best friend, and lastly to Peanut’s ADA trainer.

“Walked to Bunnings to grab bin bags and treated myself to a coffee with my loose change. ALL BY MYSELFFFFF 🥹🥹🥹🥳🥳” the caption read.

“How do you feel?” Cee replies

“Proud”, I respond.

It has been just over a year of living alone. Yesterday I submitted a request to NDIS for a plan reassessment. Today I took my assistance dog to a café. In a few days it is my ex fiancées birthday.

Just one orbit around the sun and yet so much has changed in my life.

Hi, hello, welcome to the tank.

Might I take a moment of your time to complain about gathering paperwork together for a NDIS plan reassessment? There has been no single plan in my 4 years as an NDIS participant where my funding has been able to sufficiently meet my disability needs. While yes, as my ex snidely told me once, “not everyone is privileged like you to get NDIS to pay for therapy”, I am allowed to vent about the amount of hoops needed to jump through to get the right funding. What is with that by the way? And I’m not talking about the general sentiment of recognising privilege, I’m talking about the whataboutism fallacy where someone with lower support needs feels the need to point out to those with higher needs that they should at least be grateful they are getting the bare minimum? Stop doing that

*sigh*

One could argue that if I were plan managed it would be significantly easier to arrange appointments and collect paperwork, but the difference in stress levels is insignificant. I’m thankful that this isn’t my first rodeo, and as a result I’m confident in what paperwork I need to fill out; What gets to me though is the stress of everyone else’s paperwork. For those unaware: NDIS funding allocation rides on how many test results and lengthy pages of evidence your care team can pull out of their asses to satisfy Jill in the office who has zero experience of being disabled apart from that one time she sprained her ankle playing netball back in 85’. Be thankful though that your paperwork didn’t end up on her office neighbour Janet’s desk, because although everything is in line with NDIS guidelines, Janet’s decline rate is slightly higher. In general though, the more thorough the reports, the better. The more thorough the reports however, means more hours spent on writing, and subsequently more money you need to spend.

My problem: I need more capacity building supports. And you’ll never guess the category that supporting evidence reports are claimed through…

Capacity building. It’s capacity building.

And so- after multiple appointments and a few silly acronym assessments with my local occupational therapist, another neuropsychological evaluation for ASD because my previous one a few years ago said ‘yes’ but didn’t give me a level- which NDIS need nowadays (fun fact: I’m a 2. Woo?); Tens of hours and a couple of thousand dollars spent to obtain those reports alongside ones from my psychotherapist, support worker provider, and exercise physiologist; I sent off my 56 page plan reassessment request yesterday.

NDIS states that they may take up to 28 days to action these kinds of requests. Do I have enough funding to have therapy and EP up until that point? We will be cutting it very fine. I’m anxious. This first post in many months is an anxious vent about how much progress I have made in therapy and my worries about my availability to attend being out of my control. Let’s move to something else for a moment. - subject changing often helps me ground. I learned that in therapy… *reeee*

I have an assistance dog. It’s a bit too early to be posting about him. Sometimes things don’t work out in the transition from matching to living with a new sentient being. I will say that I love him dearly and he is a very good boy. He is already making such a positive impact in my life. I intend on writing further about my experience once he is fully settled in and we are both adjusted to our.. working relationship?

Is this my first actual post since moving to Substack? I think it is. Hi to those who initially subscribed to my blogs when I was utilising WordPress. Welcome to the new location. I hope you like. To new readers, how did you even get here? My writing needs work and I’m unapologetically a bit of a mess sometimes. But it’s a free mess, so you’re welcome :).

Teenage-like memey parts of self are around and I’m cringing at my own coping mechanisms. I am glad though that I finally was in mood to make a blog post. I miss this.

Wishing everyone a safe weekend. Keep swimming little axolotls!

Sometimes I’m amazed that I’m still ‘functioning’. I suppose we can thank the compartmentalisation for that.

Today is a good day. I feel hopeful, more balanced. Also caffeinated. I’m currently in touch with the parts of self that are more adept at self care, soothing, and organisation. It’s certainly a welcome break from the stress I have been feeling for the past month. December typically is harder than most months for me, for a myriad of reasons. December is when there’s a break period from therapy. December is when my brain reminds me the most of my childhood abuse. December nine years ago was when I had to move back to my hometown after I had 2 suicide attempts. December is when Christmas falls, and Christmas reminds me of my family choosing the person who sexually abused me growing up instead of me. Christmas also reminds me that I am now alone. No partner, no family, just me.

I spent most of December 25th sleeping, crying, and dissociating. Granted, that is how I spent many days of December while alone, it was just extra that day. On the 26th I ended up going to the Royal Botanical Gardens with my support worker. Spoiler: I cried and dissociated there too. Mental moments aside, I have been getting out of the house more often. My support worker designed a holiday program for me during the period in which my therapist is away, full of fun activities and adventures. Other than the Botanical Gardens I’ve also done some thrift shopping at various op shops, explored Sappho bookstore, visited the Australian Museum, and went to a smash room. The latter of which I cannot recommend enough.

The absolute catharsis and emotions parts of me experienced as I smashed a bunch of crockery with a baseball bat was… I’m struggling to find a word to describe it. I remember sitting on the empty milk crate that was previously full of breakable goods while in the smash room just bawling my eyes out, sharing that moment with a part of me that has only recently started to question her feelings towards the primary perpetrator of my childhood abuse. My body may have been in pain from the physical efforts of hitting the pile of breakables, and the physical manifestations of memories felt in those moments, but it was beyond worth it. If it weren’t so costly (at least while essentially living disability payment to disability payment) I’d love to go once or twice a month. Being able to get in touch and share emotions with those parts of self has only occurred few times in therapy, but the contained and time restricted environment of that room felt really helpful for all of me.

Speaking of finances, gosh renting sucks. The public housing application list is long from what I’ve heard and considering I had a month time frame that was given to me by my ex, who owned the house I was previously living in, I needed to find somewhere to live asap. I had psychosocial recovery coaching today, where I spent almost 2 hours going over my finances with my support worker. Money is a big stressor in my life at the moment, as is the spoons required for taking care of all of these animals. Perhaps I was naïve in thinking another rabbit wouldn’t make much of a difference, but I had high hopes that bonding her to the others would be as smooth as it was when I went from 1 rabbit to 2. Unfortunately it was not, and I now have her housed in the kitchen, while the other two are in the main area still. I don’t regret getting the 3rd rabbit however, as she is emotionally supporting me in the ways I had intended my 1st to go before aspects of my previous relationship lead me to need to get a 2nd rabbit to give the 1st company.

Sundae, my Netherland Dwarf accompanies me most places. She comes to PRC with me, on some outings, and to therapy. She loves therapy and adventuring the space while I sob to my therapist about how overwhelmed I am. Sure she isn’t a trained assistance dog, but I think she helps me a lot.

What else has occurred in the past few months? I reconnected with one of the friends I used to game with, which has been really nice to do on a one on one level. We hadn’t talked in months since she disappeared from the group chat, and I finally took the leap to reach out and ask why she left and how she was doing. We’ve been chatting and gaming practically every day since. Unfortunately she doesn’t live in my state, however, it’s nice to have regular connection with someone.

Like I said earlier, today is a good day. Which is a breath of fresh air from how low I have been feeling recently. Like really low. Bordering on worrying levels of low. As my dark humour goes “thank gosh I have these pets to look after”. Boopy doop. Anyway. Tomorrow I’m going to the Museum of Contemporary Art with my support worker, which I’m keen for. I’ve also started exercise physiology weekly to help my mental and physical health, and I’ll be starting speech therapy soon to help my anxiety which in turn could be useful for my public speaking goals. Many new things to explore this year, and I’m trying to give myself grace for not meeting my quota of tangible productivity. By that I mean making content or writing my memoir. It is so hard pulling myself back from the spiral my mind goes into when I think about how little I have done since my “look at all the time I have now I am living alone” thoughts.

One thing at a time. One day at a time. Gently, gently. Slowly, slowly.

Happy New Year? May the year bring kindness and new adventures

I’m exaggerating again, surely it’s not that bad? It really isn’t. I’m not in danger or unable to feed myself, so why complain? Despite the sun being out today it’s one of those periods where I am a bit down on myself, self-critical. The cost of living is high right now and I just dropped almost $2k on an emergency vet consultation because I was selfish and got another rabbit, which, mind you, has not been well received by my other female rabbit; hence the trip to S.A.S.H. My memoir savings, which also is doubling as my rainy day savings took a big hit. I need a job. I need to stop being lazy. That sentence is what my mind tells me on days where I’m feeling like this. The volume on parts like Scribe, Ether, or Echo is turned down. I can barely hear the positive or logic about how I’m not lazy or why it is I’m unable to work. Writing that sentence alone just causes those judgy thoughts to peak.

Rent being so stupendously high, at least in relation to the pension I receive is a big part of the problem. I was hoping to negotiate a deal with my property manager for rent to be reduced considering almost 2 months had passed since I submitted a maintenance request for my oven to be fixed. I had to create a case with the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal (NCAT), which seems so ridiculous to need a court order to have an oven fixed. I had my fingers crossed that given previous communication where they stated the oven issue couldn’t be fixed/ was out of their hands that I could be saving $30ish a week in rent. Unfortunately last week I received a call from an electrician stating they’d be coming to look at the oven the next day. He came in, pulled the oven out, investigated the wall switch, turned it ‘off’, and voila! Working oven. Much like the bathroom sink, it was fitted backwards. 2 months for a 5 minute job. I suppose it’s good to have a working oven now, but realistically, unless I’m cooking pizza or doing a tray of clay, I’ll be using the airfryer.

Even my writing feels like it’s lacking depth. I want to be a ‘professional’ lived experience advocate. I want to produce informative content mixed in with my lived experience. I want to do public speaking, or podcasts. I want a career in something that perhaps doesn’t make me want to eh… off myself? Haha. But I have zero qualifications, and the last time I went out to a public event, which I wasn’t even speaking at, I got overwhelmed, cried, and had to leave. “Do you seriously believe YOU could do public speaking?”, brain.

There are other things I enjoy like the prospect of social media management. But I have zero qualifications for that. I don’t have the drive to go through a university or TAFE course. I tried uni earlier this year and became overwhelmed, and a bit bored of the content because it was just filler nonsense. How do people wake up and have the drive to do things every day? I have a small revving of drive, realize I need to do other important things first like tidy my apartment, care for my animals, and then I run out of spoons. Or I get tempted to escape my sense of overwhelm and play games with my… nice but honestly they’re pretty right wing and I really don’t feel super safe around but they sort of feel comfortable to parts of myself that grew up around that sort of mentality - online ‘friends’.

My latest occupational therapy report recommends I see a speech pathologist. I scramble for and stumble over words when I’m anxious, which is a lot of the time. Parts of my brain don’t like being perceived. I worry about saying the wrong thing, or other people’s impression of me. Yet I want to do public speaking. Part of me wants to apologise for the lack of structure in the blog post. I feel embarrassed for posting this, because it should be better. How am I going to be a professional if I post sloppy content like this?

As for my plans for the rest of the afternoon: I want to do some research on the latest NDIS changes, as I’m at the start of making a series of videos/posts focusing on the NDIS. Research is difficult but if I want to become a ‘professional’ I need some tools under my belt. After that, once my brain has deemed I’ve been productive enough not to enter a self-loathing spiral, I’ll play some online games. I have 4 close friends I need to message back as well. Why is socialising so difficult sometimes?

Happy Sunday! /s

For the past while now I’ve become quite attuned to the fact that overcast weather leaves me feeling sad, depressed even, and sometimes has me questioning my existence. It’s a specific type of overcast weather too. Not quite raining, because I do like the rain, however, it’s like if it hits below a certain percentage of visible sunlight my brain says “nope, fuck this, fuck you, everything sucks”. Although I spent some time yesterday berating myself for my lack of productivity, I did grab a metaphorical lap blanket from my metaphorical cupboard and vented to my support worker about my feelings of uselessness. As much as I tried to reach out to those parts of myself that are kind and reassuring, the fog that rolled over my brain was proving it difficult to do so.

“It’s the weather to just rest. Productivity can come another day”, my support worker responded to my text. I sighed to myself, partly relieved at the reassurance that I wasn’t a lazy sack of shit, and ever so slightly annoyed at myself that I manipulated her into consoling me. I made myself a cup of tea and decided to hop on discord and spend the rest of the day gaming with some of my online friends.

Today is Wednesday and the sun percentage is above whatever the fuck it was for the past two days. That and I am feeling well rested. I’m still yet to get into my desired sleep schedule, but last night I had my eyes closed and a rainforest sleep playlist on by 10pm, which is a new personal best. I think I’d like to aim for 9:30, but again, 10 is okay. 10 usually means I wake up at around 8am, which my brain works better on than the recent 11am wakeups. To be fair, it is a slow week this week and there is no specific reason to be up early, at least in comparison to last week's adventures. I had group therapy, my regular two hour session, my fortnightly one hour session, two hours of psychosocial recovery, AND an outing for a few hours on Sunday which went as follows:

My support worker and I are driving to Raymond Terrace this Friday for a mental health ‘fun’ day so I thought it might be a cool idea to purchase a new outfit for the occasion; That and I just wanted an excuse to go op shopping. She made us a little itinerary for the day which was really sweet. Breakfast and an Op Shop Hop. What could possibly go wrong? Dreary weather and a trauma response, that’s what. The thing is, overcast weather not only dampens my mood a bit, but it often brings out more vulnerable parts of self. Things said in good faith can often be interpreted through a trauma lens; and when my support worker asked me whether setting a goal of taking an uber to my fortnightly therapy sessions would be something I’d look to work towards, something in my brain went into freeze mode.

She wants to leave me with a stranger? A strange man? What if he assaults me?

Despite the fact that I could use another service or request a female driver, parts of my brain were going into a panic. I started to tear up. “Don’t you dare cry” I thought to myself. Some caretaker parts stepped up to self soothe, and before I knew it a small amount of tears were rolling down my right cheek. I discreetly wiped them away so as to not draw attention to myself. Although I had already cried in front of my support worker before, Mila’s fragments (the parts of me caught in this trauma response) had only recently gotten to the point of integrating their emotions with the rest of self. Crying in front of others is still seen as a “weakness”, so I am taking care not to push. Emotions of panic were also mixed with emotions of relief from others that the panic was being shared in the first place. A lot of mixed emotions however, often sets me up for a shaky day. I bounced between anxiety and attempts to soothe for the next hour or so. I teared up after entering the cafe as I didn’t know what I wanted to eat, and because the space felt so small even with only six other patrons inside.

At some point after consuming my donut, and several parts pushing forward to try to continue adulting for the day with no success, my mind defaulted to feeling nothing for a while. Anxiety crept its head in every now and then as I tried on a few outfits, but for an hour or so I was relieved of the burden of emotions. That was until I found three outfits and a pair of shoes I wanted to try on in the same op shop. Praise be to Newtowners and their fashion. I came across a cute businessy kind of dress while we were at Salvos, alongside a denim tunic and a sundress. There was also a kickass pair of boots that were my size. My internal dilemma came with the cost of the items.

The only savings I currently have are that of my ‘Memoir’ account, because I’m determined to see out that goal of publishing my writing. Due to moving however, I’ve had to spend some of that, though the majority of it I put on my Zip in the hopes of my superannuation withdrawal request being approved. Now all I can do is dip into my memoir funds while my Zip balance of $20 groans at me each time I open the app. And so, as I walked out of the changeroom my mood began to plummet into a state of anxiety and overwhelm as I internally told myself that I am being greedy and entitled by buying clothes as I have outfits at home. I decided against the shoes, those were $50, plus my boots that the rabbits had nibbled on still did the job. I was going to walk out empty handed, but my support worker encouraged me to purchase the denim dress and businessy demure number because I felt comfortable in them and was allowed to have more than 5 pinafores. We walked out of the store and she enquired whether I wanted to have a look at the op shop next door. With tears welling in my eyes and my mouth starting to tremble, I looked down at the ground and said “I want to go home”.

So for the past two days I’ve been recharging since that, plus an emotional therapy session last week. I recharge on solar it seems.

The past few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster. Big life changes. I recently broke things off with my partner of 5 years, which wasn’t easy on myself or her. It’s difficult to leave someone you love and care deeply for. Realising you don’t want the same things, that you are completely different to how you were when the relationship began. It’s been hard. Not to mention when all of that was going down I also ended up having a gallbladder attack and going to hospital twice, with the second time being for surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I remember sitting in my hospital bed waiting to find out if my operation will be on Saturday or Sunday and realising that I’d need to arrange someone to go to rental inspections on my behalf.

The whole timeline of breaking up, surgery, and moving to a new place happened within a period of two weeks. I was discharged from hospital a day after my Sunday surgery, and attended a rental inspection on the Tuesday afternoon. I could have waited until the following weekend but honestly the place I wanted to look at seemed perfect and I was manifesting my future tenancy. Most units in Sydney are little shoebox places. Four walls including an area designated for kitchen use. Often you’ll also get a private bathroom, thankfully not in the same room as your bed/kitchen. Very rarely will you have a yard, or even a porch for that matter. A few days prior to my initial gallbladder attack, I’d looked at a place that I thought was “the one”. It had a bedroom AND a living room, along with a shared backyard. It was close to a train station and although it was nearing the top of my budget, I was willing to pay. Unfortunately someone else was approved for the property instead of me. I was a little bit upset with that, especially knowing that my financial situation would have been taken into account when my application was being reviewed. It’s difficult for people to understand that you’re willing to pay ⅔ of your fortnightly government pension amount on rent alone.

I’d looked into sharing a place. There’s a handy dandy facebook page for queers in Sydney, and I didn’t wish to share with a non queer. Unfortunately the thing about us LGBTQ+ folks is that we love our furry companions, and although there were many people that were happy to share a rental space with me, my three pets plus their floofs were just too much for property managers to accept. I had thought of rehoming my rabbits in order to gain a rental, and even reached out to a few shelters. Ultimately I couldn’t bear letting go of them, not if I could help it at least. So when the ad appeared for the place I’m currently living, I was determined to secure it at all costs. I also knew it would be a bit easier than some of my other applications, because it’s privately rented. Private rentals care less about how much of your income you’re going to have left over after paying rent, and more about whether or not you have a steady flow of money to pay rent on time. Thankfully, I’m disabled, so my finances are the same each fortnight.

And so, that same afternoon I was sent an approval message, a digital lease agreement, bank transfer details for my bond, and advised I could pick up the keys that Friday. One week post-hospital trip I was moving my things from one suburb to another with the help of my two care workers.

Everything has changed in the past four weeks. Well, not everything, but it has been a LOT. Due to moving a fair distance from where I was living before, I’ve had to hire a new careworker. Thankfully it didn’t take me too long to find one that I mesh well with. She’s lovely and has been a great support for me so far into my move.

I’ve spent the past few weeks gradually unpacking my stuff. I had the bulk of it unpacked the weekend I moved in, but it’s just the little placements of things that I’ve been going through. Things are feeling homey now, especially since I’ve unpacked my stuffed companions from the plastic bag they were moved in. Now they are squished together in a toy net that hangs above my bed. I’ve spent a bit of money on my credit account as a means of investing towards hobbies/ advocacy goals of mine. My PC and filming setup makes me smile so much. It’s giving ‘professional’. Never mind the fact that I still don’t know how to set up lighting, or half the settings on the camera that I’ve owned for at least 2 years now. The rest of the unit is cosy. I have a separate kitchen area, my own bathroom, and my own little courtyard. The pets absolutely love the courtyard. It brings me so much joy to see them roaming about outdoors without the need for their leads. The area I’m living in is also a less than 20 minute drive from therapy which is amazing!

I haven’t fully gone through all my post-break-up reflections and emotions due to the pace of everything that has happened in the past month, but I’ve had my moments. I’m trying to let myself grieve the relationship, however, there’s part of my mind that wiggles in often. Like the saying “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it”, I was the one to initiate the breakup, therefore I am not allowed to feel sad, to feel anything about it. I did this. It’s my fault. Or the idea that I’m a terrible person, that I broke her heart. A lot of things come to my mind when I start to feel even the tiniest bit of sadness. My mind is adamant that I don’t ‘deserve’ to be upset. Balancing that with the actuality that I’m allowed to go through any and all emotions about the break up and relationship itself can be difficult at times, but I’m still doing the thing.

So hi again. Things have changed a lot in my life lately, I’m still around though.

I view the concept to be perhaps a step above previous attempts where I merely sat with my feelings. We would awkwardly look at one another, sitting an arm's distance apart, knees almost touching while crossed legged as children on a carpet. Did they want to reach out? Did they want a hug? Or did they just wish to sit like me, acknowledge my presence and silently sit? Answerless questions never asked out of my fear to give them any more attention. Simply sitting with them was agony enough. The emotions hidden beneath their skin exuded a burning prickly heat like that of a seatbelt catching hours of sunlight on an Australian summer’s day.

Today was different. Today we sat facing one another. They were no longer in my peripheral vision. Like looking in a mirror I watched them as they trembled. My body felt like it was harbouring a hive of disturbed bees. My blood buzzed as it cycled through my body, I felt restless, agitated. Muddy brown eyes meet mine. "Are you sad?" I ask them, to which they nod, shyly looking down as the embarrassment squiggles in their centre. I feel silly. Another young girl shakes her head. She is not sad, she is angry, or perhaps troubled? None of them know why, at least not consciously enough to express. I peer at them all again and sigh. “I can do this” I say as I muster the courage to continue.

I clear my desk and make space for my art diary and Micador pastels. Tracing the curved corners of my purple earbud case I connect the bluetooth on my phone and open up Spotify. “Songs for crying” is what I type on my touchscreen. I hit shuffle and closed my eyes, slipping into the arch of Mila’s ever so slightly like being dunked into holy water.

The buzzing flows across the arches, pooling in one spot for a moment. She opens her eyes and begins to mouth the words to a song on the playlist. As she continues her mouth begins to tremble and tears start to fall. She’s thinking of him, it’s a song about lost love and change. I can feel the lyrics creating wispy tendrils and attaching to her nerves. Someone stokes her hand as I rock back and forth, my foot bouncing to the beat of the music. She misses him. I miss him. I can feel her pain rolling down my cheeks. I do not stop her. I just sit and let her feel. The tendrils push the tears over and out of my eyes and flow through my fingers that grip my oil pastels. I am not thinking about what I am drawing, I am just scrawling shapes. She picks out colour after colour, making scribbles on the paper, often taking a moment to smudge them across one another. As the music shifts, often so does she. The shapes change as they each connect tendrils to new songs. Whatever the tune, the thought of him never strays. They each rarely get to feel this, at least not in this way.

Part of me smiles, this is nice. I like this. Flowing through the waves and embracing them one by one.

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

This session centres around a recent nightmare I had and the feelings of embarrassment and shame that come up for me when recalling/waking from similar dreams. The theme of CSA (child sexual abuse) and warped perceptions of grooming is heavily discussed within this audio. The details given are not graphic, however the phrases used by one of my parts could likely be triggering to those with similar experiences.

Therapist: How is the warmth? How is your body temperature?

Me: I'm not feeling cold and I'm not feeling cool either. I'm feeling like- you know when you get that feeling internally but it's on the inside of your skin? That kind of cold yeah. It's not like it’s the outside of my skin cold, and it's also not like in my heart kind of cold, but it’s just the inside. It's like it's between my skin and my bone, that kind of cold.

Therapist: Yes. And the feelings that are around inside, where are they located?

Me: I don't know whether I'm feeling a lot of emotional feelings. They feel very pulled forward.

Therapist: That sounds like there's that internal, between blood and bones, an internal sense of a cooler temperature that's not necessarily about out here, because your body is doing some work right now.

Me: What’s it doing?

Therapist: We're very gently figuring that out. Sounds to me like the energy and the movement, which is what can happen when we feel an internal coldness, is being directed- you mentioned kind of up here. Then there's been a bit of shifting, a bit of the sticky glue, maybe smallness, and quieter as you've been observing that; and that as the organs, the nervous system, the cells tend to all kind of congregate like this and direct the energy towards where the body and brain are saying “something's happening here”, and especially through the limbs that can cause a sense of coldness. It's the opposite of the sympathetic drive when we feel everything rush out to our limbic system, that is a more parasympathetic process which tends to be a part of a healing or repairing process when what's happening inside gets thicker, fuller, we don't necessarily have the words for what's happening but there's it's like a kind of digestion. It also can give us information about what happens, where happens and how unique to you it feel.

Me: It feels like I'm just waking up, kind of thing. It feels like being able to remember my dream from last night and just kind of being pulled through the time that has been a couple of hours of actually being awake this morning, but to me now being awake Like that, yeah that's kind of how it feels at the moment.

Therapist: So you're holding this dream and the snippets of it, would you like to share any of the dream?

Me: Partly yes but I feel like by sharing it like that's me being vulnerable or whatever. I had a dream last night and I can't remember what prompted me to wake up from it, but it was a dream where I think there was part of me that was trying to prove what [abuser] had done. But a large part of the dream had to do with- I was still young, like I was still a kid and I was trying to find the magazines above [abuser’s] cupboard shelf thing, and me looking through those magazines and and also the DVDs that were there. It was just one of those vivid kind of memory dreams where you can tell the different thickness of the magazines, and the colors. It was just a very vivid dream. I think maybe Mox is around at the moment because there's an element of discomfort around me talking about that

Therapist: And just let Mox know it's okay that they feel that way, it's okay to feel a bit uncomfortable that you're talking about this.. Discomfort isn't a bad emotion but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't share this. It means nothing about you, or Mox, or anyone else, and who you are.

Me: I think it's a feeling of embarrassment about that-

Therapist: About seeing the magazines and DVDs? About the feelings?

Me: I guess yeah the feelings that came along with seeing or reading some of the content in the magazines. Or about- not seeking those magazines out but once knowing that they were there, looking for them, looking at them on different occasions. So yeah there's that feeling of embarrassment about that or-

Therapist: What just happened then?

Me: Me just trying to get Mox to-

Therapist: You're wanting them to give you space to talk about this?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Okay. Are they worried about something? Do they need any kind of reassurance?

Me: I think they just get uncomfortable whenever I bring up- Like it’s one thing for me to just be like “I was like sexually abused as a kid” or whatever, but whenever I actually bring certain things up then there's that discomfort from them, or embarrassment. Shame I suppose, or guilt? Probably more shame, not necessarily guilt but yeah.

Therapist: Okay, yeah. Sexuality can feel really exposing and it's often shamed that when we find- when we have moments in childhood when we find adults or parents pornography secretly and experience excitement or arousal, it can often be accompanied with feeling bad or embarrassed.

Me: Yep

Therapist: I would expect that some of that would be in there. It's very normal amidst something that was not normal, so I know there's complications here. I’d just like to reassure that the ‘normal’ expected part of it was the kid part finding something, feeling something, going back to look at it again, and now experiencing a bit of “it feels embarrassing to share this”.

Me: Oh my God, words… I feel like I keep on just getting pulled back through like the dream into memories.

Therapist: It's doing a lot of processing.

Me: As a result I just don't get any sleep. Not restful sleep. The other night I woke up maybe like three times but each time it was from a nightmare

Therapist: Okay. How were you feeling each time you woke up?

Me: Physically I was feeling gross and sweaty. Mentally I felt quite disoriented. I’d remember bits and parts of the dream. Usually I wake up in cold sweats and just feeling clammy and gross.

Therapist: Is that familiar for you in your life?

Me: Waking up in sweats?

Therapist: Yeah

Me: Yeah, especially when I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would be yelling, like just on repeat being like “Mom mom mom” . I would wake up, usually it would be mom shaking me awake because I'd be saying that, but not actually like awake

Therapist: And when you woke up this week, can you remember anything you were thinking? Or emotions that were around? Or were there?

Me: I think most of them- I was quite just disoriented but other times I was… Fear. Yeah usually fear. Or dreams like last night- this morning, whatever, just a sense of arousal I guess. Um, but very trapped in the time as if I was younger and back then, kind of thing? And when I reorient myself with the here and now, I would just be like “ew, okay”. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for being embarrassed about it. I'm annoyed at myself

Therapist: It makes sense that embarrassment is around. It's okay for me that it's here. I understand. It says nothing about you. When we start to tell secrets that have been held for a long time it can feel embarrassing, exposing, scary. Secrets that were really hard to keep and very disorienting.

Me: It’s so silly though because I'm even like “honesty is an important part of the thing so I can continue to discuss-”, I just feel silly or like you're you're incorrect by saying that because there's that repeating thing in my head from like what? Two? Three? years ago- Mum just being like “No, that's not correct” and I feel annoyed at myself that that statement got to me so much.

Therapist: Sometimes relatively good parents do bad things and what they can't know, they try to convince their child they don't know. And because that dependence, and that connection, and that attachment is so great, the power of that projection is huge. You needed a mum who believed you then, and who believes you now. And none of that is your fault, not one part of it.

Me: I feel like I’m losing my footing and the existence that is now.

Therapist: Okay. Do you want to get some footing back?

Me: Yeah I think that would be good

Therapist: Okay so just to start can I ask you just very gently must turn your head to the left as much as your neck and head will let you move, and then slowly moving it to the other side to the right… and let's go once more back to the other side, letting your eyes look down or look up and around. Just keeping it moving, not too fast but not too slow. Remembering to breathe…

Hey. I have been wondering a bit about the bracelet that's on your left wrist, did you make it?

Me: Yeah. It's a quote from Mean Girls, “On Wednesdays we wear pink”.

Therapist: It’s quite perfectly matched with all of the colours.

Me: Yeah, I put it on this morning so it would match with the pink.

Therapist: How are you doing?

Me: I'm fine

Therapist: Okay. Nice to see you. You don't have to say the same.

Me: I was hoping perhaps you wouldn't notice

Therapist: Oh. How is it that I have?

Me: I don't care

Therapist: Okay. Of course I'm going to notice you

Me: Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?

Therapist: You don't have to. I’ve been wondering a bit this morning if I might get any time with you.

Me: I wasn't intending to be here. Trying my hardest not to at the moment, but I'm here. Joy.

Therapist: Why are you here?

Me: I don't know. I don't know and I don't particularly want to be.

Therapist: How come? I mean, I know what you've told me before why you don't want to be here, is it the same?

Me: Is it the same what?

Therapist: Well, the way I understood it previously was that it was just kind of therapy across the board “I don't like it. I don't want to be there. We don't need it”, and maybe a worry that I might- not a worry, trepidation, that maybe I try to trick you into something. Is that the same?

Me: I don't think that's changed.

Therapist: Okay.

Me: It feels like you're asking questions to analyse me. I’m being scolded for being rude.

Therapist: You?

Me: Yes

Therapist: By me?

Me: No.

Therapist: By who?

Me: Someone

Therapist: Okay. Yeah some folks have some very strong feelings about how you should all behave. Do you ever want to be anywhere?

Me: I don't want to be here. I want to be back then. I don't want to be here, now, the present, this existence.

Therapist: Mila what do you like about back then?

Me: That it's not now. I like being treated, I wouldn't necessarily say “like a child” but I like being a child. I like being treated as though I was more mature I suppose… I don't like that there's an overlap of the two of us and that you're sharing things I have similar thoughts about. One of us is trying to be more open with the idea of therapy and sharing things and one of us isn't, and that is frustrating for the other one to be sitting with. And this is why I feel like therapy is a trap. It's like she's falling for it. She’s falling for the trap of talking about emotions, talking about how she's feeling, talking about like “oh let me come around to the idea that this thing was a ‘bad’ thing that happened. This person was a bad person”. Blah blah blah. It’s stupid. It’s not the reality of things it's and I'm annoyed.

Therapist: Would you be willing to tell me your reality of things?

Me: The reality of things is the opposite of things. The reality of things is I'm pretty sure we discussed what the last time I spoke to you reluctantly-

Therapist: We did Mila and you are very very clever, and that does not go unnoticed by me. Very clever, so you have a way of picking words. Yes we talked about it, and it was also kind of vague. And it's all right, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I'm actually curious. Because you've got strong beliefs, you've got a strong presence, you've got a fierce personality; so tell me if the others can't handle it. Tell me what's the reality.

Me: The reality is simply that they're wrong. That every one of them is wrong, that's just the reality. The reality is that it wasn't this concept of grooming, it wasn't that. It wasn't coercion, it was something that I wanted, and they just can't get it through their thick skulls that it's something that I did want- they did want. And it pisses me off, and I'm annoyed that I'm even sharing that in general with you.

Therapist: Okay. It pisses you off, all right that you wanted [sexual abuse by abuser] ?

Me: Yeah, yeah it-

Therapist: And that maybe they didn't?

Me: They’re the same person, I'm the same person. I, in general, wanted to sleep with him. I wanted to have sex with him. I enjoyed it and they're out there pretending as if it was something bad. Pretending as if “oh this is coercion, molestation, pedophilia, rape” like all of this bullshit when-

Therapist: Okay, what'd you like about it? What were the good parts?

Me: I feel like this is a trap. I feel like using my emotion and my anger and how I'm feeling about that at the moment is a trick because if I'm against them then I'm going to discuss things with you, and I'm not going to

Therapist: Okay. You can test me. You know, I have a hyper um attuned part of me who looks for tricks, being tricked. I'm not saying in any way that I think they're the same, or that we're the same, but I mean it when I say I respect it, and you have a right to question, test, push, okay? I am never ever going to override that. You earned that and that's a great quality. You might not have earned it the way you thought you did.

Can you see that we both know when you're here? Because she's at your feet

Me: Yeah, not sitting on me.

Therapist: Mhm, she's close but she's not encroaching

Me: … I feel like my brain is like wading in and out of just all these different little facets of me as Mila. Like, my brain is just shuffling through all of these things at the moment. Yeah it's just this weird shuffle through of those five, but then also I don't know, like two or so other bits off of that that are also around that I didn't really notice when was doing the-

Therapist: Yeah there are more hey?

Me: It just feels like when you have the colour wheel thing and you just spin through it. You know, the paper one? That's what it feels like at the moment and it's odd. I can't say that I really experienced that much of a- It’s like there's these colours that I didn't really notice that were there. So it's kind of like a little-

Therapist: Yeah. I'm envisioning shades as you're saying that we're. Or like “Oh I thought there was just purple and then pink. Nope, there’s 17 in between those two”.

Me: Yeah it feels like that. It just feels like there are all these little like chipped off bits in between. It kind of feels like, I don't know whether you've ever seen the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once?

Therapist: Yeah

Me: I don’t know whether we talked about this last week. I don't know. But yeah it kind of feels like that. It feels like there's this Mila and then there's the one that's only one tiny decision off of that one, and then there's one that's a little bit more different but like only two decisions off of this one.

Therapist: Yes

Me: That's what it feels like. Whereas when I think of Mox or whatever, it's like that's not even on my same tree of things. That's just another character in the story. It’s like yeah there’s Mox, but like all these different Milas.

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

This transcript is clippings from two separate therapy sessions that each involve discussion of, and subsequent input from certain fragments. It is very evident in these recordings how having a fractured identity can cause confusion and lead to conflicting beliefs. Majority of this audio centres around CSA (child sexual abuse) and warped perceptions of grooming. The discussion is not graphic in terms of detail, however, it likely could be triggering to those with similar experiences.

Therapist: That sounds confusing

Me: Yeah confusing as well because there's just those different Mila’s. There’s different parts of me that have those different reactions to things and in different ways. And so it's just trying to verbalize all of those those thoughts and emotions. Like right right now that are kind of going through it once. It’s just so difficult because it's like I want to say one thing, but then I want to say another thing. It just jumbles and just doesn't make sense at all.

Therapist: What if we gave them something tangible for you and your brain to identify so they- so that we can hear from all of them? From all of the places, from all of the different feelings, all the different points of view that you're having right now.

Me: I don't know if I have enough tangible objects

Therapist: So there's a lot in there, hey?

Me: Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily say “a lot”, but it certainly feels at least like four or five. It just feels like there's just so much going on

Therapist: So if they had headlines going on, what would one of their headlines be?

Me: I guess there’s the feeling of ‘control’ and “I wanted it to happen”. But then there's also the feeling of enjoyment and- I feel like these two- I don't think that they're the same but I feel like they're very closely intertwined. I don't know. There's that feeling of “I didn't want it to happen” but I enjoyed the fact that he knew that I wasn't really all for it, kind of thing. And liking that powerlessness. And I feel like I'm very much so connected to these two more than I am to the other ones. And then there's the feeling of “I didn't want that to happen” and the guilt of like “how did I let that happen?”. And then there's the- I don't know whether ‘complacent’ is the right word, but that thing of “Oh well this thing happened. I didn't really want it to happen but…”. Yeah I don't know whether ‘indifference’ is the word, but I think they're the main things that I can kind of feel into right now. And I think there's also similar to the whole ‘complacent’ kind of thing- There’s kind of like this complete shut off feeling, that “I am just there to perform”.

Therapist: In this moment, does that feel like enough? Are there any others, any other thoughts or feelings that are coming up? Anything else might want to be added?

Me: I don't think so

Therapist: Okay. What does it feel like in your body as you're looking at all of them?

Me: I don't know whether there's a sense of calm at the moment, or whether a partly shut off. Yeah I'm not sure. I think these two have been parts that have been those fragments of me that have been around the most, or the loudest. And I think, I don't know- I think maybe one of these parts here has more of an initiation kind of bit to it. Of just being, not in a persuasive way, but of just being more flirty.

Therapist: And you named this one as- The sense of it was control and “I wanted it”, and does that still feel like it? That still feels right as you're kind of playing with it? There’s this place where the sense that “I have control”, and the belief that lives in this part of all of this spectrum is that “I wanted it”. And therefore it would make sense that in that place there's an access to flirtation, sexuality, and initiating

Me: Yeah. And this is the part of me that Mox dislikes the most because she's the one that's a complete cunt.

Therapist: Oh, okay. Whose word is that one?

Me: Everyone's. I think it’s-

Therapist: What does she- How is she that makes her a cunt?

Me: I don't know. She's just very- I think she's definitely that part of me, Mila, that is very judgmental. Feels like I'm actually normal and making excuses for things. Feels like I don't need therapy, because there's nothing wrong with me, I haven't been through anything traumatic,because I was in control and I wanted things to happen when I was a kid. She is that one.

Therapist: So what makes her a cunt? Is it those things?

Me: That she's arrogant. Selfish. Those are probably the words that come to mind. It’s just this the sense of- I don't know whether it's necessarily an ‘entitlement’, but yeah just this-Yeah I don’t know

Therapist: I have a question. What do you think might have happened if she hadn't been there taking control, choosing a feeling of empowerment, choosing agency, saying “yeah, I’m fucking normal”. What might have happened?

Me: I probably would have killed myself many years ago and succeeded

Therapist: Yeah that's what I've thought for quite some time as well. And I think there are ways of supporting integration- Well, we don't like that word here- Supporting connecting with that part of you, and who you are and what you need now, because those qualities I have no doubt kept you here. And she doesn't need- She can keep believing them as long as she wants and needs to. We're not going to shift what she's holding on to, but I do think we can really help her see who and how you are now, and that some of those things she may not need to hold on to, she can let go of. And she can keep that strong “cunty” control, but only when she's ready.

Me: Yeah, I don't know. She's just not super cooperative for the most part. I mean, I don't know whether it was- It seemed like she was maybe playing ball a bit, or maybe it was that one *points to object second furthest from the right*. Because they are very similar, but not the same.

Therapist: If you have a sense of her right now, could you go inside and ask her what she might need. If there are any conditions or expectations that she might need in order to be willing to consider cooperating?

Me: I'm not sure at the moment. I think because there's that inviting, kind of thing, between her being around with these other bits today- that she seems more reluctant to acknowledgement and cooperation. That’s kind of the sense that I'm getting.

Therapist: Okay. Could you check and see, only if it feels okay, if she might be willing to return or even just be around somewhere inside you at another time, when it's just her that we're talking to?

Me: I don't know about that

Therapist: Okay.

Me: I feel like maybe she'll come on board a bit more when she *points to object second furthest from the right* comes on board. I feel like there are different levels of “things that are easier to get to”, kind of thing. I feel like she's like all the way fuck all up here

Therapist: And you right now, how are you?

Me: I wish things weren't so complex. It’s a lot easier and straightforward I feel- when I'm dealing with Mox, or dealing with B, or dealing with Everet, I feel like it's just a lot easier. Whereas when I'm dealing with different me’s it's just very disorienting I suppose. It’s just like things are connected but they're also not connected.

Therapist: Do you want to stop?

Me: Yes please

Therapist: Thanks for telling me

Taken from second recording

Me: There's that tensing up, which it just sounds so stupid, even though I know it's not but-

Therapist: Okay what happened there?

Me: It's that immediate jumping in that I have of that thought in my brain that by complaining about it, saying that him being annoyed at her, or feeling tenseness there- That immediate jump in of saying “oh well, you know it's not that bad”. That's kind of what jumped into my head. And I tried to override that with “Well no it's not, It makes sense because of trauma”.

Therapist: That part or that place that's jumping in to say “this is stupid” or “this is complaining”, can we respond to it, or talk to it?

Me: I guess. How?

Therapist: Is it worried about something right now? Because either I'm comfortable to chat with that part, or if you get the sense. It just jumped in as you're sharing it with me, and I know it's bigger than just us, but I'm hearing that part might be worried about something. So I just want to check in-

Me: From the part that jumps that says “that’s stupid”?

Therapist: “This is stupid. I know it's small. I know it doesn't”-

Me: Oh that other bit, the bit that jumped in after that. I guess there's a thought a lot of the time in general anyway of "I know these things”- when it comes to logical part of things- And I feel like at the point that I'm at in my journey right now, I should know these things and I should be able to apply these things, and that the thought shouldn't be there that jumped in prior to that, of “oh that's stupid”. So I think there's the
thought there-

Therapist: Okay, now something else is happening

Me: Yeah, there's the thought of wanting to, I don't know whether it's wanting to show how ‘good’ I am at knowing myself, or being attuned to myself and what my trauma responses are. I think that kind of comes into play there. Wanting to be able to show you “oh I know these. I know XYZ. I know these things”. I don't know why it's making me so upset.

Therapist: It’s really brave that you're sharing this with me so honestly. The jumping in that was happening, are you feeling that and were you feeling that “these are all parts of me”?

Me: Specifically like me, Mila? Is that what you mean?

Therapist: Yeah. That just “these are the different sides, these are the different thoughts that are happening for me”?

Me: Yeah I think so, but I don't know. Actually I don't know. I feel like that's subconsciously me just giving an answer because that might be the ‘right’ answer, and “I'm not entirely sure” would be my actual answer to that question.

Therapist: Okay. I was wondering if that part or voice that came in to say “oh this is stupid. It's just complaining. It's melodramatic”, if it might be trying to do something good by trying to make it hurt less. Maybe if it says that loud enough, or firmly enough, it will be felt. And the more vulnerable parts of you and places in you who validly are scared by those things, will maybe suddenly go “oh it was just stupid. Actually it doesn't matter”. And I don't know, but that's why I was asking, because I was sensing that it's not maybe trying to hurt you, it's trying to say “can we maybe please not hurt in this way anymore”. But it does hurt hey?

Me: Yeah just it hurts but in a different way. It hurts but I'm in control of hurting myself

Therapist: Pretty brilliant diffusion strategy hey? “If I can take all that on then I can predict what will happen, because I can keep it all in here, while also keeping that person down here. By reassuring my external and my internal “it's just me. Yes that's right, I am slow” , or “I was wrong”, or “I'm sorry””- It's really clever. Do you think it matched this situation?

Me: As in, what you’re describing?

Therapist: Did it feel like the best choice?

Me: It felt like the safest choice

Therapist: Okay. I can see you sitting with yourself and what's happening. Can you let that go in and just kind of drop in “it felt like the safest choice”.

Me: Yeah but there’s just

Therapist: What happened?

Me: There’s that voice of “it’s stupid” that I thought something was the safest choice, when there wasn't any there wasn't any threat of danger or anything like that around me.

Therapist: Okay, so just pause there, if it's okay. So we dropped in that it felt like the safest choice, and you're noticing this voice saying “yeah but ''. So just letting that be there wherever that is. You made a motion here before. And just just check in for a moment, if it feels okay. Can you go around? “Okay this part is saying “yeah but it was this, this, and this””- but check in and see where some of those more vulnerable, or wounded, or littler parts of you are. Is it alright to just stay with that sense for a moment? To let those smaller places in you really take in that you made a safer choice for them, to support a worry they have around conflict. Can they receive that? Can your body? Because I'm noticing some movement, and there's no right or wrong here. If there's any resistance, or blocking, or voices saying different things, let me know

Me: Yeah, I'm finding it difficult to sit with that because the nagging voice of me “making a big deal out of things”

Therapist: Okay so we're not going to go that close to it. Are you okay? I can see you doing some managing things. Are you alright doing them on your own? I'd like to be here with you.

Me: It's just such stubbornness. I feel like I should know what I'm doing, or I feel like I should know how- That I should be able to manage my emotions myself. I guess part of it is that thing of- That voice is jumping in now of “that’s so stupid”. But I guess part of it is that thing of “Look I can do this all by myself”, or “I'm so good at like doing these things”

Therapist: You are so good at doing so many things. What I'm seeing and feeling right now, sitting here with you, is that I'm sitting with you in a space where I am being let into the things that do hurt, that do have impact., that both are happening now and have a place in the past. And I'm sitting opposite one body that for most of its life has been carrying all of the feelings, responsibilities, for taking care of them, for figuring them out, and for doing it on its own. For how long? At least two and a half decades. And right now you're doing something different here. And yeah that is definitely going to activate that voice in there, it's probably worried for you. protective. “Might this mean we're not as healed, or healthy as we thought? Might there be danger here if I open up an actually say- because oof this body remembers if I opened up and said something wasn't okay, that wasn't safe- Do we dare do it now?”. So it's saying “No no no. This is stupid. This is silly. Be quiet. We've got this on our own”. I think that voice is trying to do something really important, and it's scared for you. And look at this fucking strength and vulnerability that you're telling me, and being with me in the tension of what's happening inside, and daring to be brave enough to say “even though this voice tells me it shouldn't matter”- If that's not a manuscript for healing I don't know what is.

Me: I feel like I should be doing more, that I should be doing better at it. That I need to be better than anyone else at it. That thing of going above and beyond, being an overachiever

Therapist: There’s a part of you that really wants to be special in it hey?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Does it need to hear that it is? Would it like to, or may I let it know?

Me: There’s a yes and no, because there's different parts around at the same time of wanting to be special, but then that part that are like “you're not special, you're nothing, you're-”

Therapist: Okay. Can you check with those parts, and if they don't respond to you maybe I can check in and see if it would be okay with them, for them to hold their beliefs, the things they want to say, I'm not going to try to change them, but would it be alright with them if I reassured the part that wants to be special? If I just talk to it for a moment? Maybe I can just ask you first, how little or big is this feeling, this part of you?

Me: I don't know, like six? Seven? I think

Therapist: May I speak to it?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Hey little one. I am so glad that you're here right now. It's so important to me that you feel safe enough to be here. Okay-

Me: That bit that's just jumping in, and I'm trying to push her side but she's just-

Therapist: Alright, okay so let's not try to push her. I'm going to let this little one know I'm not leaving, okay. I'm going to come right back to you. You have a bit of a fierce protector over here and she's not going to let us talk to you without us clearing it with her, and hearing what she has to say. But we're not going to leave you alone okay? And we're definitely going to come back to you because you are so special, the most special. So we're going to come back, all right? What's happening with her up over here? Would she tell me what she's saying, or does she want to tell you and have you tell me?

Me: I mean it's basically just a blurb of communication of her trying to- not necessarily block out what you're saying, but kind of as if the words are actually moving, and putting a door or a glass pane in between to stop them from actually sinking in. There's still that audio from it but “nope don't listen to her…That's not true”, kind of thing. Like, “that's not true! You're not special”

Therapist: Okay, yeah. Can you ask her what's that glass pane doing? What's it keeping out or keeping in?

Me: It’s keeping out the lie that I'm special, that that younger part is special. It’s keeping
that out because it doesn't it doesn't belong there.

Therapist: What does belong there?

Me: The opposite of that. That I'm not special, that I'm not good enough, that I am nothing essentially. That I'm not good enough or that I won't ever be good enough. That I'm always making a big deal out of things all the time, that I'm stupid.

Therapist: It's pretty hard isn't it? To accept and feel the loss of feeling special when an awful, abusive adult takes advantage of that specialness and then throws it away without telling you, or changes without it making sense to you.

*A minute or so of silence passes*

Therapist: You don't like that hey? Would you be willing to tell me what you don't like or what I got wrong? It's okay if you're pissed at me

Me: It's like she's sitting right next to me. It's like there this immense stubbornness of being pissed and annoyed and wanting to communicate that, but also being stubborn and not wanting to be here and participate in therapy.

Therapist: Okay. What side is she sitting on?

Me: *gestures to my right shoulder* This side

Therapist: That side? Okay. Can you let her know, first, I apologize for just speaking directly to her because I didn't get consent from you or from her to do that. That's my bad. And also I want to let her know, or have you let her know from me, she can be stubborn and she does not have to participate. I'm not going to push that right now, and I know I just did before, so if there's some broken trust I would completely understand why. She can hold her beliefs, she can hold what she feels for as long as she wants. I am not going to try to change them. I'm just also wanting her to know that I have my eye and my heart aware of some other parts, that they're not her, but there are some other parts who are really really struggling and need to be reminded of their specialness. Because for those parts they had something taken away from them, and they had someone who hurt them in ways that a child should never be hurt by an adult, and it's those parts that I wanted to reassure of their specialness.

How's she responding, is she still beside you?

Me: I don't know why I'm here, and I don't particularly want to be here.

Therapist: Hey. Yeah I know you don't want to be here, why are you? I mean, I'm happy to see you

Me: I don't know what I'm supposed to say

Therapist: Is there anything you want me to know, or that you want to tell me? Or yell at me?

Me: Yelling at you would imply that I'm hurt by something that you said.

Therapist: And you're not, are you?

Me: No. I just think what you're saying is incorrect

Therapist: Oh. Can you correct me? What'd I get wrong? I'm not asking you to prove it at all

Me: I think that you're incorrect because- I mean for one, I wasn't abused. I wasn't taken advantage of. I had control in the situation. And I know you're going to be like “A child can't consent to being in that space” and all of that stuff-

Therapist: Am I doing that?

Me: Not at the moment, because you're trying to gain my trust.

Therapist: Does it feel like a trick? Like I'm tricking you into sharing things to get your trust?

Me: It doesn't feel like a trick, it IS a trick.

Therapist: How do you know? How can you be sure? Are there things you've seen or heard me do with others, or tried to do with you? Because I'd really like to understand

Me: I feel like these questions are all prompts, they're all part of it. Everyone else wants to change my views, change my opinions. That's part of their end goal, and to do that they need me to participate. And even at the moment I'm communicating and saying things which will give you a better understanding of me, which in turn will give them a better understanding of how to change my mind. Even saying that I’ve probably said too much.

Therapist: Yeah I can understand how it feels like that. Like giving me anything is too much. Do you want proof?

Me: Proof of what?

Therapist: That I'm not here to change your mind

Me: You can’t give me proof. People lie all the time

Therapist: Ah- yeah. And you're keeping that out hey? With those glass panels, like the lie of being special

Me: Yes

Therapist: Does it feel like if you let anything or anyone in, it would mean having to let everything in?

Me: It's a stepping stone

Therapist: I meant it when I said before, to the other Mila, that you can hold on to this for as long as you want. I haven't lived your life. It's not up to me to make a decision about what you should do, or have any kind of opinion about what supposedly is better. I do want to get to know you though. Can I ask you a question?

Me: I can't guarantee that I'll answer it but sure

Therapist: Okay. Would you be willing to think about maybe letting me get to know you? And to think about that for as long as you want?

Me: I don't know. I feel like you're still trying to gain my trust to try and change my mind. I don't want to change my mind. If anything, I want to change their minds.

Therapist: I can hear you, and I can hear the emotion and the firmness. Why?

Me: “Why” what?

Therapist: What would happen- What would be the worst thing- What would have to change for you if say; some of the things that I was saying weren't all incorrect. What would that mean for you?

Me: I don't know because it's not- It doesn't make sense. The idea that you have that I wasn't in control, or that I was being manipulated, or groomed, or anything like that, it doesn't make sense. All of it

Therapist: Okay. So it doesn't make sense that you were groomed, or harmed, or abused in any way?

Me: Correct

Therapist: Okay, so what did happen? What's your story?

Me: Again-

Therapist: You think it's a trick?

Me: Yep. You want to hear my story so you can challenge it so I have this massive breakthrough, and I start crying and I realize that I was wrong this whole entire time.

Therapist: Yeah those are some pretty specific views on therapy hey?

Me: I suppose. I suppose you could count them as views, I don't think they’re views. Views are like when people believe in God. It’s not a view, it's the truth

Therapist: I know for me, my motivation here is not to have you feel like you are wrong, at all. I have no desire or intention to inflict harm.

Me: I'm not afraid of you inflicting harm on me. I don't think you can inflict harm on me

Therapist: Okay- well it strikes me that the feeling of wrongness or badness lives in many other parts. So for me it felt important to clarify for you that that is not what I am driving here. That would compromise my Integrity in my relationship with all of you, to have any part of you feel, and you especially, that you are wrong in some way
Me: She’s *gestures to right shoulder*

Therapist: Do you want to take a minute? Or a few?

Me: No it's just that's there’s this- and I'm trying to stop myself from doing it because I know I don't need to do it- But there's just this feeling of frustration or anger at at myself, or at at her for like- I just feel like she's quite rude, and there’s just this want to just apologize and say sorry

Therapist: I know honey, hey it's okay. I'm okay. She can be how she is when she chooses to turn up, because I meant what I said to her about not trying to change her, and that nothing about her is wrong. I know how you feel about me, and I know how I feel about all of you, and definitely her included, and it is not conditional. Nobody is required to be on best behavior here

Me: I just don't like that she's rude

Therapist: Yeah I know you don't. I can understand it. I let her know I'd like to understand it more so that I'm not making judgments that just come from my own ideas in my own head, but that's kind of on her terms.

Me: I think it's hard though because I feel like I'm also the one stopping it. I know that she
doesn't want to participate, but also I don't like the way that she is, or the way that she behaves. I don't like her being rude to you

Therapist: What is that like for you? What don't you like about it?

Me: It makes me upset. I don't like treating people like that. I don't want to be like that. It’s not nice. I guess I feel like it makes me a bad person. I don't want to be a bad person, or mean, or not nice, or rude, or any of that. I don't I don't want to be like that.

Therapist: I don't think you're a mean person

Me: I think she's mean, therefor I'm mean. I feel like she's not cooperative, and I don't like that.

Therapist: It's really hard isn't it sometimes to kind of reckon with all the different parts of us? To try to hold that we're kind, and sweet, and caring, and a bit cunty, and sometimes rude, and sometimes angry, and sometimes defiant, and stubborn. It can be especially hard if we didn't feel like we could really be all those multi-dimensional parts of us as we grew up. I tend to notice that the most exiled parts are the parts that hold the most firmly to their feeling. Because they never really got a chance to just kind of ‘be’ it. And I would imagine that would feel pretty overwhelming if you feel like every time you feel something you're not ‘supposed’ to feel, that it's supposed to be suppressed, or exiled, or put somewhere else. Can you imagine two and a half, or more, decades of certain emotions just going to one place, to one part? How many, how strong they’d be in there? That's why it's not linear honey. And there isn't an expectation on time, because just like you, every part of you has been holding a really specific kind of feeling, and story, and experience, for a long time, different lengths of time; so that they each require a really different way of being with them. Where'd you go?

Me: I don't know

Therapist: Okay. Are you alright where you are?

Me: I don't know ‘where’ I am.

Therapist: Okay

Me: It’s like I know where I am, but it's like it comes and goes. I don't how to describe it

Therapist: If it feels okay to just let it come and go, and not know who's around right now, just keep letting it do that if it feels okay. If it also feels okay, maybe just gently grab your lovely little bunny that's down there, or any of the things on the table. I'm right here. Just gently check in on your temperature just to see if you're warm. or cold, needing anything changed.

Me: …

Therapist: Hey

Me: I don't know why I'm back here, and it's irritating me

Therapist: Did you just come back? Is there anything unfinished between us right now?

Me: I don't know. I feel like I’m on a- I don’t even know. Not like a merry-go-round, just some sort of sh shitty fucking carnival ride at the moment.

Therapist: Okay. Do you want to get off?

Me: Mhm

Therapist: Okay can we do some really-yeah, making space for those yawns. What kind of fabric is that bunny?

Me: Um, it’s- I don't know the word

Therapist: Because it looks like corduroy

Me: That's the one

Therapist: Oh, is it?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Did you know that Miri was bringing it back for you?

Me: I knew that she was going to be bringing me a- *I got lost in my mind for a moment* Go away! Um- I knew that she was

Therapist: Hey, I’m going to come to the floor okay? Is that all right? I just want to be in your line of view, without any expectation that you have to look at me, but in case you want to.

Me: The thing is her not wanting me to be grounded and just wanting me to suffer

Therapist: Yeah, so she's still pretty here hey?

Me: yep

Therapist: What's happening inside?

Me: Her just not wanting me to feel grounded, her wanting me to struggle

Therapist: Okay. Is that what it feels like or that's what she's wanting- struggle?

Me: Yeah the second one, which is wanting me to feel pain, feel shitty, just not be-

Therapist: Okay. Is that what she is saying, or did you ask her?

Me: That's definitely the emotions that I'm getting passed through, but when I ask it directly, even though I know that that's the answer- when I ask it directly she's declining to agree or communicate that with me in a direct way

Therapist: It feels like she wants you to feel pain?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Okay. If this feels too much we don't have to do it, or if it feels like your body says
no, could we, if it feels okay, just try when you feel ready raising your eyes for just a moment. Us looking at one another taking a full breath, both the inhale and the exhale while looking at each other, and just notice if anything shifts.

Me: She's not as close by

Therapist: Does that feel better? Worse? The same?

Me: Better
*able to return to answer about the bunny toy
I didn't know that she was going to get me this specific Miffy, but I did ask her when she went over if I could have a Miffy doll. She said that she would look for one of the ones that have a little cheese making outfit thing but couldn't find any, but she found this one.

Therapist: It's a different color than most of your other stuffies and bunnies, or at least the ones I've seen

Me: mhm

Therapist: Yeah? What’s happening?

Me: I don't know. I don't know what was happening in my brain

Therapist: Is she around?

Me: Fucked if I know who's around

Therapist: Okay

Me: Yeah, I don't know my brain just feels like it's- I don’t have the words. It just feels like a complete absolute fuck around shitshow. Yeah

Therapist: Yeah?

Me: Like I'm fine, just mean it's just a bit of a blegh at the moment

Therapist: Okay. We're not going to rush, that blegh might stay for a while. Is it okay to sit in it? I'm not rushing in because we've had a lot of- it's been very verbal and it might want just a few minutes, or more than that, of us being here. And I'm right here with you, but you can take 1 minute, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, just letting it settle, or mesh, or blend, reorient, integrate

My therapist was on sabbatical leave for about four weeks from the end of July up until the end of August, so I haven't really had anything to post when it comes to therapy content. Right before she went on break, unfortunately my carer had been unwell, so I had a handful of sessions over zoom. Some of these I recorded, however, I haven't gotten around to editing them as they were quite heavy in regards to emotions/tears. I have to be in the right mood to listen back to those sessions sometimes, let alone clip them down and transcribe them. Today I was in the mood to work on one, however, Filmora (my editing software) had other plans. So after 6 hours of the program freezing, crashing, me trying to figure out what the problem is, I've given up and will likely have to re start the edit when I resume. I also have the idea in my mind that I have to do these session posts chronologically, so even though I have had 3 sessions since my therapist got back, I refuse to listen to them until I have sifted through the video sessions. My actual blogging is rusty.

New website layout though. That was a whole ordeal! I didn't want to look at wordpress for a solid 2 weeks after having had spent hours and hours figuring out how plugins work. Somehow I thought I could just click on things and be good at web design instantly... Fun fact, that's not how things work!

I have been doing some reading here and there, and I am probably in the middle of reading maybe four or five books. Some are ones I purchased at our local book shop recently, as we went there for coffee. I'm currently reading White Fragility, The Body Keeps the Score, Nurturing Resilience, Milk and Honey, and something else that I clearly haven't picked up in a few weeks given that I can't remember the title. I also have started writing a memoir. After having read through Stephani Foo's What My Bones Know, I was beyond inspired to start my own journey of writing about my story. I enjoy the concept of blogging, but I find I have far too much going on in my brain to write one (1) coherent piece. But I love sharing my journey, something of which I have explored in both video and text over the years. Imagine being a published author though, how cool would that be? Musings from my younger self there. There was a point in my childhood where I wanted to be an author, albeit for tales of the fiction variety, sharing my own story should be enough to make little me proud.

I'm enjoying the process so far. It's cathartic. I'm getting close to 50 pages. My aim is somewhere around the 300 mark. It's been a lot easier for me to write about the difficult times, rather than happy memories. Having to accept that people who made me smile at times could be shit humans, boggles my mind, and pains me to write about.

Writing has been keeping me busy, as I have the needed naps from sifting through memories in my mind to note down in my memoir. I was supposed to start an AUSLAN course about a month ago, however, it was run by distance learning through my hometowns TAFE and a collection of my younger parts had a full on breakdown an hour or so before class was due to start. The absolute dread I felt was dragging me back to where the csa occurred, and I don't think I'm at a point where I can just push through. So I dropped the course and decided to study in the new year semester because that's typically when local TAFEs start their courses. Because I was supposed to be studying, however, I had already organised with my therapist that once she gets back from Sabbatical, I'd be doing therapy once a week. Granted, it's the same amount of hours, it's still weird to be only going in one time.

I also have a new care worker! My previous one had to take personal leave, so I had to search for someone new. I hate getting to know new people, and the idea of picking the right person to help take care of my wellbeing was incredibly daunting. Miri helped me with some of the interviews, but the second half was on a day she was at work. Somehow, I didn't have a panic attack and managed to find someone that I mesh with. If you're reading this, hi! Lol.

So there's been a few changes in life since I last posted on here. I'm also collaborating with some friends on a forum/website thats being made for those with OSDDID and others sharing their experience with multiplicity. I've only been invited to join in the past 24hrs, but it seems really exciting, and I like the idea of working with others to provide resources. Not to mention, it'll probably encourage me to do some more reading for resources I want on my own site. I'm doing an interview with a friend/smaller creator on her Youtube channel soon. We will be talking about therapy and its impact on my healing journey as someone with DID. So I have a few things occuring at the moment that I'm excited about.

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

Me: So she got back to me again the other day and was just like, “hey, you know, finally finalizing the stuff”- and asked for my International Bank code number, or whatever the hell it was. And I gave that to her, and then she's like “okay you should expect money in a couple of days”. Obviously I didn't know how much the money was going to be, and I’m not going to ask “hey how much did my dead Grandma leave to me?”. And so this is on Thursday I think it was, that she was messaging me. No- Wednesday. And then yesterday I checked my bank account, because I get a notification I’d been deposited money to the account. I saw it and I was just absolutely- I'm still shocked.

Therapist: I can see

Me: I've never- And it's hard to say- Because I'm just still in shock, and just confused, bewildered

Therapist: How was it for you? And I'm hearing your brain “can't compute it” to- you know, because we've done a little bit of the body work today- I'm just kind of dropping in- When you at first just even received the information that your Nan had put in her will that some of the money was going to you

Me: Oh gosh. That was a little while ago. I guess I didn't believe it, and I think in a way, at the moment; I still don't believe it. To me I feel like they were just telling me that she left me money, when really it's like money that dad has taken from what was left for him. That they just felt bad for me that I wasn't ever really part of the family.

Therapist: And now?

Me: Now? I mean, I sort of still think the same way. But I think I'm more believing the fact that she had left money for me. But at the same time when I entertain the thought of “oh yeah, she left me money”, is that I don't feel like I deserve it

Therapist: How does that feel like?

Me: I mean it's- There's a sensation of sadness. Yeah, like sadness or guilt.

Therapist: Is that true? You don't deserve it?

Me: Yeah, because I didn't know her. I didn't make any effort to get to know her. I've never met her

Therapist: So deserving it would - You would deserve it if?

Me: If I spent time with her. If I’d known her. Like with Nan, it’s like well okay- People leave money in Wills for loved ones, or whatever- and it's like “okay, that makes sense” becauseI I grew up with Nan. I spent time with Nan, and Nan wanted to help me in my future, and stuff like that, and left money in her will for me. Whereas, I didn't I didn't know her. I've never met her. I don't know what she likes, what she didn't like. I don't- I didn't know where she even lived. Yeah, I didn't know her, so I feel like I don't deserve the money. And I don't know whether part of that also impacts my thoughts about just being like “Oh well I- I need to go to the UK”. Because I think I do want to go to the UK, but I think also partly I'm just like “I need to show my appreciation to this side of my family”, you know? “I need to go and make sure that I see them, or I stay for a longer time. I need to make sure that I visit them, and spend time with them, and get to know them”, you know? Especially because they've been so kind as to give me all of this money, like “I need to show that I am grateful, or appreciative of it, and not waste it”.

Therapist: How is it for you noticing all these things that are saying all these different- holding all these different belief- about ‘deserving-ness’, or ‘ right’, or what ‘to do’ with the money, or what's ‘obligated’; versus ‘needed’ and ‘wanted’ amidst all of that? How is it to hold that you are cared about, were cared about, considered outside of any thing you did or didn't do, simply for existing and being in the world?

Me: I don't think I really put any thought into that because, I guess, I'm very much in denial of that as a concept kind of thing. I think that's another thing that my brain just doesn't compute

Therapist: What does the mind do instead? When you're offered that and it sort of tries to go in, what happens in the mind when you say “it doesn't compute” ? What is ‘it’?

Me: I guess that my mind just feeds me out other explanations, like “they feel bad for me” or that his mom “felt bad for me because he didn't raise me”- Which I guess probably is also part of my- How I don't like being seen as ‘weak’. I think that kind of hits a nerve, in that. It just makes me feel like I am weak or that I can't take care of myself.

Therapist: So do you have to hold on to that?

Me: The feeling?

Therapist: The thought that amidst the rejections, that came in and said “well it must be this: that someone felt bad for you”. Do you have to take that, accept it from the mind and say “okay that's the truth” ?

Me: I mean, logically no. Logically no, I don’t have to

Therapist: And it's an honest question, I'm not tricking you

Me: Logically no, I don't have to. But I feel like it's something that I hold, I guess

Therapist: Is there a choice in there? The choice to hold on to that thought and integrate it as a belief of your own

Me: I don't feel like there’s choice. It just feels very latched on to me, like a leech, kind of thing. It just feels like- yeah

Therapist: Okay. We're gonna be really just a bit gentle with it. I've used the words ‘noticing’, and ‘making space’; These are intentional uses of these words. Sometimes some of the longer term impacts of traumas and experiences we have, can translate into a way of being, and a way of understanding ourselves in the world. And some of that can be “I'm good because of what I do”, “ I'm bad because of what I do”, it can orient around the ‘doing’ space. So sitting with, or even just kind of very lightly making some space for this quite radical idea that perhaps you are just lovable, and just cared about, and just good, because of who you are and not what you do. Is that too much?

Me: No, I think my brain was already just at the same time just- it doesn't emotionally make sense, kind of thing.

Therapist: Okay. That’s okay

Me: What if I go over there and my aunt doesn't like me, or I just- I don't- I I think that feeling of not “belonging”, I guess. It's-

Therapist: What is the worry here?

Me: That I don't belong,. and what if I lose them too? What if like Mom and her family- like, I don't- I'm afraid of making the proper connection because I don't want to lose it. So if I just stay at a distance I won't lose it. It'll just be this limbo, this in between. I want to go over there because I want to see them, but I also don't want to go over that because I am afraid

Therapist: Yeah, that's understandable

Me: It's like he already left me once, he might leave me again

Therapist: That’s a lot of responsibility to be holding that's not all yours. And that consideration of what to do with the vulnerability, and the fears of loss, are really thoughtful and caring towards you. I'm just wondering perhaps, if that might be okay for us to come to maybe a little bit later? Just come back, find that space. There are these opportunities, whatever you choose to do with them, that are possible because your dad's mom wanted to ensure that some money came to you. And now it has, that means that you get to make some choices. And they don't have to happen overnight, and they might change, but there is some security in that. I want to be clear that I'm not bringing or inviting you to come back to that place because of the other things you are exploring right now and feeling, because there's something “wrong” with them, “too scary” about them; They're very important, okay? And I know this, and I would like to spend time with them with you. I'm being mindful of our time together, of having about five more minutes together. I'm just wanting to care so that there's not too much activation, because those are pretty meaningful, and I think I would like to be with them with you when we can really go into them, and I can ensure that we can do also what's needed afterwards

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

Therapist: I was wondering if–well a couple of things. If we might just continue to make space for the yawns, and Mila and anyone else, and if we might spend a bit of time just reflecting on our last session together. So we tried a different kind of process, how was that for you?

Me: Good. I was listening back to it this morning actually. I find it quite interesting listening back to the sessions. Obviously I find it more interesting listening back to the sessions where it's Mila, or anyone else that's not me because I'm already quite– I'm already fairly aware, I have enough recollection of how my sessions go– like it's nice to have a little jog of the memory. Yeah it's quite interesting to listen back to when Mila's around, and her thoughts and opinions on things.

Therapist: Yeah because that relationship sort of fluctuates, doesn't it, between you and Mila?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: I know that you mentioned it helps you understand what's happening for her, or what comes up, and you notice that time of overlap

Me: Yeah I noticed that time of overlap, and then towards the end I think Scribe was definitely around, and Mila had kind of taken a back seat. But yeah I noticed that and that was quite interesting, especially since we hadn't really done that kind of thing in therapy before

Therapist: How do you feel about what you're hearing some of Mila’s experience be like?

Me: Proud *grimaces then laughs*

Therapist: *laughs* I was like “what is that face?”. It wasn't a trick question to get you to say that I promise. No therapy agenda. Proud?

Me: Proud that I, Ezra, am able to have better communication between parts, or proud of Mila specifically as a part for being able to be more honest– like having more trust in different parts that she didn't used to want to share a lot of things with. So I'm proud of her, and then in turn obviously me as ‘Ezra’. Yeah because obviously “recovery isn't linear” and all of that jazz, but I guess for things like that it's really quite a visible change. Or not so much visible, but it's a noticeable change as opposed to little things I don't really think about often, and then there are things like this which I think is quite a large significant thing. So being able to see that progress is something to be proud of

Therapist: With a little bit of “bleugh” ?

Me: Bleugh

Therapist: Yeah, it is quite a noticeable change. Especially in what you just mentioned in that sharing space, because that wasn't there in this way before. This sort of willingness, you used the word ‘honest’ as well, that there's kind of an honest sort of openness, that's also maybe a bit of that p word towards that Mila is sharing, that communication is changing and happening differently between parts. What is that like? I know you said “proud, and I'm noticing this”, but when you listen back and you're hearing that that is what was happening in the moment, can you recall what that was like? “Inside my body my mind”

Me: I think it was definitely the feeling of that “wow”, fascinated, “this is so interesting and new”, and that feeling of pride, but I think as well there was that slight bit of anxiety I think. There's an anxiety of “well who am I as a person when these barriers are broken down? When there is more communication, because this is kind of all I've ever known, and who am I without without all of this? What am I actually like? Am I going to like the person that I am?

Therapist: I'm so glad that you brought this up because this was something I wanted to talk about with you today. You mentioned it as ‘anxiety’?

Me: I don't know whether that's the most accurate word I'm after

Therapist: I'm curious, are there worries or concerns, or thoughts that maybe come in? Even if we just start with the first one, the first question that came up as you were describing the anxiety. “Who am I as a person? Who will I be as a person in this, during this, or after this process of “getting better” or healing?”. Are there any concerns or worries, or fears there, from you as Mars, Mox, or from other parts inside? Any fears of loss or being changed?

Me: I think it's a fear of the unknown. I wouldn't necessarily say that there is a fear of “oh what if I become one cohesive self?”, I don't think there's a fear of that. It's more the “What would I even be like as one cohesive self ?”. Yeah so there's no fear of all of these parts becoming one, kind of thing, it's more like “oh what capabilities, what traits of different parts will be more ‘dominant’, so to speak?”

Therapist: I think what’s really important here is using trauma-informed language and practice as a kind of love language, because there's an unknown to it. So reorienting it to agency, and resourcing, at this stage. I suppose why I would like to pause there, is for us to just be a bit mindful as well, that I'm hearing you offer this to me– if it feels okay just pausing for a moment. Do you think, as Mars and Mox, that there might be any part of you in there who is a part who originated around trauma as part of survival, as a part of you with certain beliefs and certain ways of feeling, who might feel resistant, scared, or angry about being held through– I'm being careful with my words here, but having something of it, maybe integration process, as some of that trauma gets worked through. That trauma being sort of their origin story and what makes them ‘them’ inside.

Me: I think possibly Everett, just because of how he came about. I don't know actually how Mila genuinely feels, because if she does feel any fear it's not like she's necessarily showing it to me or allowing me into that, so I'm not too sure about her. Yeah I don't know okay, but definitely Everett.

Therapist: What do you think might come up for him?

Me: I think there's definitely a– oh and there's obviously Karma, or certain bits of Mila that have that ‘resistance’ because there's that introjected thought pattern of needing me to continue to feel pain. With Everett I think there's that fear of “well if there is that that integration process with him, and him gradually fading and lulling to the side, and that scoop up of all of me, kind of thing, that I won't be able to to keep myself safe, or I won't be able to assert my needs, or realize when things– when there are too many red flags”. So there's definitely that

Therapist: Yeah that red flag, guard roll, that he plays is pretty vital

Me:Yeah

Therapist: Or that he feels is really vital for you?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: And we talked a few sessions ago about making a time to come back to that, for and with him, to really take our time there–

Me: *Dissociating into the abyss*

Therapist: What just happened then?

Me: Do you have like a weird detector or something like that? Uhm definitely– Mila’s very uh much around, so my brain kind of just went–uh It felt like I had a slight malfunction in my brain, it just was like “blerp”

Therapist: What happened in the “blerp”?

Me: Oh I was feeling some of Mila's feelings. But at the moment it's kind of like when you wake up from a dream, and I knew what I was feeling at the time, and what the thoughts were, but now it just feels very hazy and like a dream. But, her feelings about all of that

Therapist: Yeah, let's not force the words. A part of what we have been doing, and especially the last small handful of sessions as we are sort of doing this. Let yourself yawn, invite them in. My view is that we're doing this together

*gesturing hands coming together*

With whoever, and all of you who shows up. That for the first period of time in our relationship, and the relationship I was starting to get to build with different parts of you, was the all of it. So as different trust would build I would get to meet different parts of you, or get to hear about different things, and the moment and the day, or the week. And part of that is really like stabilizing, and kind of–that's that therapy word– but essentially creating a territory for you, and all of you to feel like I understand, can see, what your life looks like now, what it's looked like before, the ways each of you think and feel towards things. It's kind of testing me, and testing us throughout that, and seeing “Is there safety here? What happens when this happens? What happens when this happens?”. And when I feel as–

*notices my mind has gone elsewhere again*
Is it better if I pause?

Me: I'm listening kind of -ish.Maybe

Therapist: Kind of, yeah. I know I continued there for a moment even though what just started happening was happening throughout that whole time. Do you feel like you can tell me?

Me I think maybe one of the things that I am worried about, I suppose, I guess there is probably that worry there of not “losing” – but like “losing” parts of myself. But that whole thing of “well what if I don't have parts like Ady that are able to kind of have that chill, that space of just enjoying fun things?”. And what if I don't have that? That's supposed to be a thing that's also good for stress, and I won't have that. SoI guess there is that worry about that.

Therapist: Yeah, of course there's that worry there

Me: And I don't want to lose that, but I feel like that's a selfish thought, or a very self-indulged– I don't know, that I just need to like “whatever happens, happens” and I shouldn't be concentrated on that aspect of things, and that what's most important is working on the the triggers resulting from trauma and stuff.I can't be picky and choose with things, and that it's ‘anti-recovery’ in a way, and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be jeopardizing myself or be be reluctant to anything

Therapist: Can we be really clear about something? It’s very important what you’re noticing, andI what you’re mentioning, especially that incredible aspect of Ady, who is calming. And let's just see if we can toss out, not even just out into the window, but out into some sort of garbage removal service: cultures oppressive idea of ‘recovery’ and these definitions around what is ‘anti-recovery’. Because yeah triggers are important and significant, and they're important to me here with you, because of how all of you share with me what sometimes happens, and the parts of what sometimes happens that you don't like, that don't feel good, or they get in the way of connection, or of belonging, or of getting to do what you want to do. That's what's important to me about the triggers, and in order for those to be able to be safely and calmly helped, resolved, and healed, it is absolutely necessary to include and not lose the beauty of the aspects of Ady, like her calm, like her play, like the way she looks out at the world with those eyes that are uniquely hers. We are not wanting to lose anything unless I hear from you, and we do enough work in a space– if I hear from you, or any other part of you that says “I don't like this, I want this gone”, then we would open that up and take a look: “What's happening? Who wants it gone? Who is it hard for? Why is it hard?”. At no point are we obliterating any part of you. You are the guide here, I'm just walking alongside. I don't get to tell you what's best for you

Me: I think it's that I am–and with the whole unknown thing– and I don't like I don't mind either, no ‘option’, but I don't mind either outcome, and I know that both of them are good and healthy, but I am frustrated at myself for being selective. Because I can't always control what happens, but I'm frustrated at myself for being selective and wanting one more than the other, and I guess there's maybe a fear of disappointment if it eventuates in the other way.

Therapist: Yeah, okay. And that disappointment, whether or not that does happen, but the disappointment, and us talking about it, and spending some time with the thoughts there, and the concerns there, that's really important. It is so good that you're bringing this up to me, and with that little point about being “selective”, well guess what honey? It’s your time. IIt is not selfish.

Me: Scribe is saying it's like having a sense of agency

Therapist: Yeh, and Scribe is right. And it’s pretty healing, because sometimes we can think that working through triggers or trauma places, is being plunked right back down inside of them, looking at them, feeling them, doing all that again. Sometimes it is, other times it's like moments like this, and noticing that perhaps to feel “selfish” about being selective about your own wants, for your own life, for yourself, is not a thought or a feeling that's yours. And that by having a part like Scribe around that says “hey this is agency”, and being willing to tell me, so having me here to go “yeah it's been uncomfortable, but this is really good”, is helping, is returning to some of those places where some learning might have taught some of you that you're not supposed to really ever have a want, deserve to believe you get to have it, and not apologize for that

How does one even use money?
By no means am I wealthy, I mean, obviously not, I currently am on disability welfare payments, and the only reason I can afford the copious amounts of therapy that I attend is through another form of government assistance, which I am incredibly thankful for...

For the past few years I have been in debt, smallish debt. Not huge. Hundreds to sometimes thousands, but debt of the sorts, thanks to my ZipMoney account. I use this account because it's easier to pay things back than it is to buy things outright, you know, due to lack of money and all. A few years ago I bought my laptop using this account, which mathematically would have taken perhaps seven months to save up for. Purchasing it via Zip meant I had immediate ability to work on video editing, play games, the usual kind of computer stuff.

This sounds like an ad for ZipMoney lol

My point is that I've never really 'had' money. Very recently, however, I had a relative pass away, and apparently I was in the will. I have a lot to say about this, so bare with me. For those unaware, I grew up with my mothers side of the family, my parents divorced when I was an infant, and my dad went back to England shortly thereafter. I did not know his family, and to be honest, I didn't know him much either. Aside from a handful of visits across the period of my childhood, it wasn't until I was an adult that we really reconnected. I still struggle with this a lot, but the entirety of those emotions are a tale for another day.

Ever since going non-contact with my mothers side of the family after they were so kind as to knowingly invite the person who sexually abused me as a child to Christmas lunch, withheld the truth about it from me for a year, then blamed me for not being compassionate to their circumstances; I became closer to my father. Don't get me wrong, my communication with him is still pretty awful in terms of reply time, but it's on par with the other people I love in my life. I even opened up to him about the abuse, which took a lot of mustering up to do, which perhaps is also a tale for another day. But he believed me and wanted to support me. This has all occurred a few years down the line after my visit to the UK in 2019 mind you. In terms of his family, I still barely know them. I've met two of my blood relatives, both of which was during my visit, but the rest I know nothing about.

Late last year, however, I was informed my grandmother had passed. I was unsure how to feel about this. Sad? Surely not. It would be selfish to grieve someone I never knew, wouldn't it? I can't entirely recall how I felt upon hearing the news, but there was definitely a sense of guilt of never getting to meet her before she died. Never getting to spend time with her, knowing what she was like, hearing stories about my dad as a kid. And it made me think of nan, my mothers mum, and how much I missed her. If I had known and been close to this lady, would I have had a plethora of memories to miss as well? Who knows. But somehow, even after never having had met her in my entire life, I was written in her will. Through her passing I actually got in contact with my aunt, I have one of those! I'm not close enough to her to reminisce about trauma, but she knows I have some issues in my hippocampus haha. Sidenote: It's been nice having that connection and being able to give her updates about my life nowadays. Anyhow, she has been my main point of contact for death stuff, as she was the one organising the legal/financial side of things. Fun fact: finalising estates takes a while. You would think I would know that after working in a bank.

I was never sitting on the edge of my seat like a money hungry grave robbing gremlin, because firstly I was still confused about why a stranger like me was in the will. Secondly, my dad didn't pay child support, so I wasn't sitting expecting an exorbitant amount as though my mystery family was ballin. Thirdly, I'd like to think I'm a decent person.

Around half a year has passed since her loss, and I was asked a few days ago for my bank details as everything had been finalised. I had to contact my bank for the swiftcode, due to it being an international transfer, but once I had that, my aunt was pretty quick with giving the details to the people in suits that deal with all this stuff.

The next morning I woke up to a payment notification on my banking app. I won't say the exact amount, but I was floored. I thought it'd be rainy day funds, however, it seemed to be funds for some pretty wet weather. Like I said earlier though, I don't come from money. My family was probably working class growing up? So the amount I inherited was a large sum for me, and I think others would see it as such as well, maybe not nepo babies... But it's enough to write home about. It's enough to allow me to visit England again, which is where we now arrive at my dilemma, my emotional turmoil.

Needs, wants, obligations, fears and frustrations.

International travel as a spoonie is hard. Last time was great for sure, but that's not to say it wasn't difficult. There were many changes that had to be made, location and accommodation cancellations due to shifts in my mental health and emotional capabilities. I dread the logistics of travelling abroad, but I enjoy meeting those I care about. What could be more enjoyable than rekindling the relationship with my supportive side of the family?
Would going overseas immediately glue that connection. Somehow physically seeing people makes them seem more 'real' in my mind, probably a pretty common thought for many. But ugh, travelling is a LOT. Mentally, physically, emotionally. But I should go, after all, I have money, that THEY gave me. I should go so they know I'm grateful for the funds this stranger gave me. I need to do something good with the money I am undeserving of. Not showing my appreciation in this way would be bad; It would make me bad, selfish, ungrateful, spoilt. I don't want to be any of those things that child-me was, things that made her deserving of the consequences. I want to be good, good-ness means deserving of unconditional love. I can never naturally or genuinely be good, but I can at least try tick all the boxes as to what good is.

Spending time with others and getting to know them is good, bringing them gifts is good, making sure you tell them how thankful and grateful you are is good, not wasting things they give you is good. Not coming home six months early from an international exchange due to silly little uwu suicidal ideation, even after the costs were paid upfront and would have required some sort of debt or loan but she loved and wanted to give her spoiled bratty daughter an opportunity, one that the ungrateful girl wasted and never paid back as an adult even after multiple occasions of being reminded of the funds she costed the mother for the unfinished trip... Doing the opposite of that is good. I don't want to be bad, wasteful, ungrateful. If I can prove I am good to this family, then they will love me and support me. I was bad in that family, that’s why they didn't care about what I had to say. I can't blame them, though. I was bad, and it was selfish to expect support. This time will be different, though, it's like a do over. I need to show my appreciation, even if it's at my own emotional/mental/physical expense. They want to know me. Do not turn down that opportunity.

Make sure the trip is long. Spend lots of time with them. Bring your partner, act normal. Talk about your accomplishments, make sure they know how good you are. Make sure you show them your best self they can be proud of you. No silly little flaws, be on your best behaviour. You must show them you did indeed deserve the funds and know how to spend them wisely like a functional adult. Do not let them see you're defective, don't show a single sign of weakness. No fear, no sadness, only happiness and smiles.

I don't know whether or not to buy a ticket, would I be doing it for me, or for them?

And what if I go, and disappoint them by letting my brokenness slip, what then? I already lost the respect of one half of my family, I can't bear the thought of losing the other half too, especially when it feels like I was already abandoned by them once before.

You're being too sensitive, too whiny, too spoiled.

I cannot spend the money on myself alone, I need to be selfless, I must show that I am good.

The emotional turmoil is agony.

Silly little nightime thoughts: Perhaps I could write a memoir and use the funds to publish it instead

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

This recording is very slow moving as I begin to implement elements of EMDR into my sessions. My therapist was doing some stimulation with me, whereby she was tapping on my legs as I discussed the qualities of Scribe, one of the parts of the 'Dream Team'. I find it quite fascinating to listen back on this session as the communication barriers are lowered and Scribe is brought forward by the time the session finishes.

Therapist: So I hear about this scribe part of you. Can you tell me about the Scribe part of you, what are the best qualities, skills, care, that the Scribe part of you brings?

Me: They just have a very maternal kind of instinct about them. It's not a conditional thing, or it doesn't feel as though I'm in trouble for feeling any certain way about things. But it just has a very different vibe with them, in comparison to mum for example. It's like them having the qualities that I didn't have in my relationship with Mum along with certain good aspects of the relationship with Mom. They are able to deal with and talk me, Mila, through my emotions, or I'm sure with Mox as well. But I don't feel as though I am making a big deal out of things when having those– whether they be internal more verbal conversations with them or internal more just like feelings based back and forth conversations with them.

Therapist: When did you notice the Scribe part of you around?

Me:I think because they are quite like Ether and Felix–a very combination of that. I only really noticed that combining– It would have been at some point last year

Therapist: Have there been, in the last year, any particular moments or experiences, or situations that you've been in with yourself, or with yourself and others, where you've noticed that having this beautiful combination of Ether, Felix, Nathaniel, as Scribe be helpful or supportive?

Me: I think definitely there was with the situation with Keira when there was that that big cluster fuck of emotions and those those newer like parts like Sasha or whatever. But definitely around that point then, of there being some sort of clarity I guess, in amongst everything, of feeling kind of a sense of calm and logic, and that things would be okay. So I think there's definitely that situation and what they brought about then, but I think as well there's certainly been times like with Scribe being around, I mean mostly Mel, but with Scribe and Mel kind of being around with the situation with the date the other day and feeling able to kind of voice thoughts and emotions about that and what was internally happening at the time. Or yeah, times when I've been feeling quite overwhelmed. I mean obviously sometimes it's very hit or miss in in terms of whether I can hear them that well, or whether they come about before my emotional state escalates

Therapist: Is there an image that goes along with the feeling, the sense of Scribe?

Me: Yes and no. Sometimes it just feels like there’s an aura around, like just this wispy kind of ball, kind of thing. Whereas other times it's like the internal kind of appearance thing during those more ‘board meeting’ discussions. It definitely depends on what ways that Nathaniel would deal with things, where they're very much in that mindset of “ that particular thing of dealing with this”, so it sometimes fluctuates appearance wise, or it's just very aura-like I suppose

Therapist: Does the aura have a colour?

Me: Yeah, usually like green or an orangey kind of colour

Therapist: Okay. Can we try something?

Me: Sure

Therapist: So if it feels comfortable for you to close your eyes for a moment and just take a few breaths, just letting the breath ground and center the body, getting comfortable, and really start to direct your attention and focus to this wonderful, maternal, Scribe part of you. This combination of Ether, Felix, Nathaniel. Just noticing where in your body you sense the endless support, the unconditional understanding that Scribe offers. The validation that what is being felt by any of the little ones or anyone else, matters. That ability to acknowledge and have clarity. The way Scribe speaks and talks to the emotions with a sense of hope that “it will be okay”, they will help find a way through. Calling in that wispy green or orange kind of aura, and just taking your time to really locate and feel this Scribe part of you. What are you noticing right now?

Me: I mean, I notice that it definitely feels like they’re close by

Therapist: Where do you feel that in your body?

Me: Very around the top of my forehead kind of thing. Just this very airy wispy feel to it

Therapist: Are there any feelings that go along with that ?

Me: No, not that’s coming to mind. It's just very, I guess, observational in a way. Not that that's a feeling or emotion, but it kind of feels like that

Therapist: Okay. Are you getting a bit of a sense– So you can keep your eyes closed or looking down at the ground. I’m just moving a little bit closer to you. As you're sensing, and just let me know if anything changes–I'm very lightly, but I'll wait till I get your consent, just going to alternate tapping on your knees. Is that okay with you?

Me: Yes

Therapist: So just continuing to allow your awareness and focus to breathe in and let that ‘airy’ around the head, see if it might want to fill down the space along your shoulders, arms, anywhere else in your body. Bringing in that care, unconditional support, acknowledgment that all the feelings matter and are real. That calm, that persistent maternal instinct that can reassure and offer clarity, and hope. What are you noticing now?

Me: I think they’re around, but also I don't know why Dakota is also around. So that’s kind of what I'm noticing at the moment

Therapist: Can you feel that sense, that way that Scribe looks towards situations, towards the feelings inside, with that care and acknowledgment? Perhaps just take a deeper breath and very gently I'm just going to ask for this Scribe part of you– let me rephrase that. I'd like to ask, what does this Scribe part of you want the little ones to know? About healing, about the future, about their ‘yuck’, or their sad, or their angry feelings. There is no rush, take your time inside

Me: I guess there’s just the desire to not have those younger parts feel fear about what is ‘now’, which feels very much like the future for them. And those parts not to have to live in that state of fear. For them to know that they are now in a place that is safe, with people that are safe, that there are a lot more supports available for me now versus then. That the things that happened back then weren't my fault, and that those things are real and did happen, and that it wasn't fair for those things to happen, but it also wasn't– that there wasn't– There were things that could have been done but those things weren't my responsibility. They're things that shouldn't have been done by other people, and then there are things that should have been done, or certain signs of things that were happening, that should have been tended to and taken care of by other people, by adults in my life, and that they weren't. But now I am an adult and I am able to take care of myself and my own needs without the worry of someone else hurting me. And that I can protect myself now

Therapist: Take a moment with all of that wonderful offering, and awareness, and holding. And returning to that want for the younger parts to feel reassured that they are now in a place that is safe. That they don't have to live in fear anymore, and that none of what happened was their fault. Look through Scribe's eyes to find and see some of these younger parts. Let the younger ones, if they are willing to come forward or to let Scribe know, let the younger ones ask Scribe anything they might need to ask, anything they need, anything they're worried about, if they do have questions or little stories they need to share, have Scribe reassure them. They might need to be shown around, they might need Scribe to make a promise about how they will be taken care of. They might need Scribe to take them on a tour, of this room, of your house. To show them all the corners and rooms and behinds so they can see evidence of the safety and the supports. What are you noticing yeah

Me: It’s definitely a mixture of some of them being very stuck in the past, but in various different ways I guess. There are the parts that know that bad things happened, but they also have happy memories and they don't want to know further. They're very, I guess, living in a fantasy world in a way. And then there are parts that are very– I think there's one or two that are very like a kid on like the first day of school, kind of thing, and then hide behind their parents leg. Very much like that with Scribe, at the idea of being shown around current spaces that I'm regularly in, and not feeling as though it's a trap or a trick.

Therapist: Any other little ones in there?

Me: There are some that are kind of, I wouldn't say “excited” about the idea, but they are certainly more open to it, but also a bit fearful in a way. I think that probably might be coming from Inqui actually. Yeah I think that she's in amongst those that are kind of sharing that um space with Scribe at the moment

Therapist: These little ones, are they all in a space together right now or are they in different areas?

Me:The ones that I can hear are within the same space. I know that there will be parts on Elijah's side that may have different thoughts and opinions about the question that you had before, but I can't tap into that, so to speak. It's mainly just those that are around Scribe

Therapist: Can you get Scribe to thank these little ones for sharing? Some of them that they have happy memories that want to keep holding on to, that they want to hold that world they live in. And thank the little parts who are hiding, not sure if they can trust, and feel like it might be a trick, as well as the parts who feel a bit open like Inqui, but also fearful. Using that maternal and unconditional validation that Scribe offers, that is caring and holds hope, thank these little or younger ones for showing where they're at right now. Have Scribe reassure that everyone's needs will be met, and that everyone will get to take the pace they need until they feel they trust something that they might be okay with happening. Have Scribe reassure them Scribe is always around, and that if they feel scared, or angry, or yuck, or sad; they can signal for Scribe.

And that for right now we're just gonna say goodbye to those little ones, in the spaces they're in. Not abandoning them, and letting them know we're going to come back so the ones that are stuck, we can help bring them where they'd like to be. And just coming back into that sense of that clarity, let yourself move slowly away from the littles, letting any of the yawns come. Coming back to that Scribe part of you that says, “I am an adult.I can take care of my needs. I am in a place that's safe. I have supports”. Can you still sense that feeling of Scribe around? Where do you feel it now?

Me: I think certainly still in my head but more positioned towards the front of my head, and certainly more felt down through my torso. It feels like putting a layer of of tissue paper over a piece of paper, or a sense of something here being a solid object and something kind of phasing through that

Therapist: I’m just gonna ask you to take a couple of deep breaths. And just noticing that front of your head, down towards your torso, that kind of tissue paper like phasing through, welcoming any of the yawns. We're gonna hold on to this hold on to this sense of this presence, of this part of you around. And as you feel ready I'm gonna ask you to just stretch, shift your fingers, your hands, your feet, any of the movements. Alert your ears and hearing back into the sounds of the room and outside the room. And I’m going to gently ask you as you're ready to come back to the space

Me: Sorry my brain's trying to figure out what on earth that song is. There’s definitely that tissue paper feel to things

Therapist: How is that?

Me: It’s fine, it's okay. It’s just different, not in a bad way ‘different’. I think it's more, not inverted, but the opposite way kind of thing. It's like– words at the moment are difficult

Therapist: So I think when I might suggest: How would you feel if we pause, if we end there? We don't try to rush or move back into this kind of space or this space, would that be all right with you?

Me: Yes

Therapist: And then some other parts of what we spoke about doing we can pick up and get back to?

Me: Yep. It’s just very opposite phasing, kind of thing. It's mostly Scribe at the moment but Mila is kind of around

Therapist: Can I just check in what because when you're saying “I” today who's I?

Me: Well I as in, I mean there's a couple around at the moment, but I is in Moxie. I was feeling a little bit upset and then I told Miri that “I'm just a bit upset that you didn't ask me to go” and she says “yeah no you're right that's not very nice of me to do I'm sorry. I just thought because you didn't like traveling and stuff that you wouldn't want to come, but you're right” and then she asked if I wanted to go and I said “no not really”. And then I teared up a bit and I was crying a little bit because I was proud of myself for telling her that I was upset.

Therapist: Can you linger there just for a moment to notice the feelings that are around in your body, the sensations sharing this story, of noticing what you were feeling, acknowledging that, resourcing a place in you who could articulate those feelings, have them held and responded to, tear up a little and then recognize “no I don't want to go”; What are you noticing?

Me: I think I'm a little bit–I mean not as–a little bit embarrassed about feeling proud about it, over something so little, kind of thing, but I am still proud I guess of myself for doing that

Therapist: if we just come back to that ‘proud’, where do you feel that in your body?

Me: I mean I guess kind of like– hmm I don't know whether it's more in my chest, it's not like in my nose but it kind of like feels like here but not like in my face, but I don't know it just feels here kind of thing as well as in my chest

Therapist: So maybe just take a moment, just taking a few breaths and focusing that awareness to the feelings in your chest, around your nose and face just to them grow and notice there may be parts around that resist, or that have concerns or discomfort. Let's notice them without attaching to them. Come back to that place in your chest, your nose and face, “I did that and it is a big thing”.

Me: I don't like sitting in this proudness, sitting in the pride. I don't–it's weird, it's odd.

Therapist: Weird and odd, yes?

Me: Yes it's weird and odd

Therapist: It’s a bit unfamiliar, hey?

Me: Yes it's unfamiliar and I don't like things that aren't familiar

Therapist: Is that yours Moxie? The “I don't like things that are unfamiliar” or is that something that belongs to another part?

Me: Oh I think it's pretty Universal

Therapist: Was there anything new or unfamiliar about how you approached that situation with Miri?

Me: That I communicated it to her fairly straight away. I was able to also kind of have that rational thought process amongst the emotion. I could identify the fact that I was feeling sad and why I was feeling sad, and be able to kind of sit with that and then think to myself, “okay well I'm feeling sad because this reason and it's not– it makes sense for me to be sad”, rather than automatically jumping on judging myself

Therapist: So very new and very skilled. When we can resource those capacities in us, those are our adult parts, our here and now parts, our adult selves have words for our feelings where our child selves have feelings and require reassurance through the reflection or mirroring of those feelings being valid. But it's our adult selves and parts that we call upon to do something about the feelings that we notice and I'm hearing that maybe Mel was quite helpful?

Me: Yeah yeah she definitely was very helpful.

Therapist: How did she help?

Me: I think she was just very good at being supportive and validating kind of– not in not in the same way that Scribe is which is more of a paternal kind of way, but more as a –I wouldn't even say– Kind of just like having like that that best friend that you would have, like a childhood best friend that you've been friends with for ages, and it's just very comforting and encouraging. And just being like “no, you know, speak up, say something” and being supportive of that emotion of sadness.

Therapist: This may be something for us to strengthen and resource as well when we're working through and bringing up, and addressing to take care of the distress of more of our wounded and littler parts; There is a quality of the parts of us who show up now who have the highest functioning and empathizing, and protective problem solving skills, that we want them to be able to hold the hand of those more vulnerable parts of us, those wounded feelings, so those feelings know they aren't alone. And I'm hearing a two-fold process that Mel was in your chest holding your hand And that offered you the opportunity to articulate clearly, and identify your feelings to Miri and then receive holding and reassurance of those feelings from Miri within your relationship. That's what we call intrapersonal processing to enhance interpersonal relationships. The stronger we develop that intrapersonal capacity, we then notice how much can change interpersonally. Does she feel like for you in this moment a part of you who you want on that resource team? That more ‘adult’ or grown parts of you who show up

Me: Yeah yeah definitely

Therapist: You've mentioned some of them but I'm curious what skills and qualities will she offer you to have moving forward if we continue to really resource her as part of your team?

Me: Definitely a lot of optimism and support, and wanting– I guess wanting of the best for me, for us, for I Ezra, kind of thing. Also I think she does get along well enough with some parts that don't necessarily get along with me Mox, or there's less desire for for Mila– those Mila’s, kind of thing, to get along with Scribe. Whereas because Mel has got more of like a friends-like “pals with everyone” kind of attitude– but yeah

Therapist: And this, some of what you're describing, is why we're mobilizing a team that at this stage and you know, even moving forward. There may be littler parts or other parts of Mila who don't like some of the ways Scribe makes decisions, or some of the ways other parts of you that you call on to be part of this team, and that's okay that's allowed; What we're looking for is finding a balance, so finding these parts of you or parts that we will find and mobilize, to kind of come together like they're the discussion team, the meeting team. They have a place and you can kind of sit there and go “okay” and invite the younger ones in, “what is happening for them?”. Is it this scared little one, or this angry little one, or this vulnerable little one? And their worries get brought to the team and the team gets to make a decision, “okay which one of us should take this?”

Me: I think then, B as well

Therapist Yeah, do you want to take a moment and kind of have a little think?

Me: Yes sorry, my brain had already jumped ahead

Therapist: I see you doing that, so why don't we go there? While you're doing this take your time and just allow anytime you come upon “oh yeah this part of me might be good” to let– There might be other parts that come in or other thoughts that go “oh but not that about her” or “not that about them”, just see if you can detach from those and just connect to who comes up for you, and perhaps give yourself a little bit of time to kind of feel into ‘why’. “Why would I want them on the team, what would they bring, when have they been supportive?”. If there are specifics that come up let me know, tell me about those stories. I'm really curious who this team might be built with

Me: Yeah I mean B, I’m trying to even think of– I can’t think of specific instances but I just know that she would be good because she brings a lot of, I don't know, fierceness I suppose, in a way. Kind of “take no shit” kind of thing. There's rational, logical thinking that's around at the same time rather than pure emotional “take no shit”. I feel like they're two different kind of things

Therapist: So would it be like she has some kind of regulatory capacity to be with the feelings but also recognize “okay what is appropriate or matched?

Me: Yeah, yeah

Therapist:
I'm very curious because she sounds, you know– these qualities that I know about her being reintroduced to them while you're describing her, that fierceness, that “take no shit”, and that awareness of what's happening inside and what might be adaptive in how to communicate or take action about the feelings outside, where do you imagine she would be helpful? This part of you is here on this team and we start mobilizing the sense the feeling of that fierceness, of that “take no shit”, and you look at the life that you're in right now, the things you have to do in your life, the course you're going to take, the choices you're making; Where do you think she might be most helpful?

Me: I don't know whether it's kind of a reverse psychology encouragement but I think there's like that difference, I guess, on on how I take her statements versus how I would take Karma’s statements or whatever, of just being very– like if I were doing something and had a feeling of say quitting my course for example, and B in a motivational way like Mel does but in B’s ‘B’ way I guess of just being like “quit being a little bitch, just do it”. But in an encouraging way, and I don't take that in a negative way.

[I was holding out my hands while explaining the differences between B and Karma’s ways of phrasing things, using my hands to demonstrate my thoughts or feelings helps me explain things better sometimes]

Therapist: Okay, and that’s on that hand?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Okay, and just turning your attention to this other hand, and this is Karma?

Me: Yeah. Pretty much just being like you are like “you are being a little bitch about it, you're always going to keep quitting this thing, why do you try? why do you even bother because you're going to fail like you fail everything else”. It's just got a very different tone to it and the way that I take it is very different. The way that I would take something that was said in childhood is like the way that Karma says it, kind of thing. Whereas the way the B says it I don't, I guess, take it in the same way. Yeah I don't– does that make sense?

Therapist: You hear it differently?

Me: Yeah I hear it differently. It just doesn't feel like there is malice attached to it, kind of thing

Therapist: It strikes me that it maybe karma is quite am introject

Me: Yes

Therapist: And I'm wondering if over here B is perhaps reclaiming some of that language, so taking the language but not mimicking it to harm you or to hurt you, reclaiming it and using it as a kind of power maybe? Or agency to fuel, like hey bitch we fucking got this”

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Would it be right in saying that perhaps B is a part of you who's helpful in specific situations, at specific times, but not necessarily across the board all day long?

Me: Correct, yes

Therapist: Okay. Okay

Me: Yeah I don't know whether really any part is “across the board”. I think each part that I think is useful on the ‘executive team’, I suppose, has I guess set situations that they're more or less helpful in, and I think a lot of the time as well it depends on which other parts are around–like with the whole ‘executive team’ they have connections in one way shape or another to other parts, to I guess resource those other parts of the executive team or whatever, but they're not like– To just be like “hey I need some help with this thing can you help?” kind of thing.

Therapist: Yeah, okay Thank you for clarifying that. So I'm just wondering– I'm noticing our time here. Maybe if it feels okay with you: I'm just looking back over all of these beautiful descriptions you've given and all of these parts and this on their way to being vetoed and vetted into this this group, if we might just take a moment either lower your eyes or close your eyes, take a few breaths to get a sense thus far of the feeling of what it's like inside to consider this as a support, strong, resilient, protective and nurturing team. That at this stage we have Mel, B, Scribe, Elijah, Everett and Dakota; and just take a moment just noticing any of the feelings or sensations in your body, any of the thoughts moving around in your mind, and just really bring that focus to seeing or sensing the different qualities if it’s each of these parts coming together. And if we use a sort of silly therapy image like around a table, or in a field, or somewhere, but just for a moment considering if all of these parts we're all together with their clipboards or their pens, to help figure out something that might come up for a younger part, some way to solve a problem for the all of Ezra; How does that team feel or look to you? Does anything need to be added, changed? Is it all right for now?

Me: I think it's pretty good. I mean, they all kind of worked pretty well together I think anyway but it's not something that I'd ever– there’s never been an official “Dream Team” kind of thing. It's not something that's been a conscious kind of “okay these are the ways that these parts help” and working together, kind of thing. They've been there on and off, but not in a– I'm assuming, you know, what I guess the goal is with EMDR being like “okay how can we resource them and in what situations?”, and trying to kind of bring them about when going through emotional distress, that hasn't ever been a thing. It's like every now and then they'll just pop up, rather than trying to put in place those foundations or building blocks, or whatever just being like “okay like let's try and practice strengthening that so they are around more frequently during those times”. So yeah it hasn't ever been like an official Dream Team kind of thing, it's been a very wishy-washy team of executives. Wishy-washy a lot of people just be not in the office on their shifts, kind of thing.

Therapist: Okay, so I'm thinking with that, maybe we can never think about what, you know, because we've sort of got the blueprint now, we've got the layout and now we're building it up, we're making it more dimensional and real, and felt. So those are the processes that we will start next. There may be a bit more information gathering that I might ask you about, and I'll go back through the slides. I know things have changed but I'll go back through notes and have a look. How has this session felt for you?

Me: Productive? Yes, productive

Therapist: That's a bit of a question there?

Me: Pretty sure– I’m just, like, I think that the word that is coming to my mind the most, is ‘productive’. Yeah

Therapist: What does ‘productive’ feel like? How do you know?

Me: It feels like something to be proud of and I don't like it

Therapist: These ‘P’ words

Me: Yep, yep. Productive, proud: Hate it

There were multiple younger parts present that were very much stuck in the past. In the first segment of the recording we talk about happy memories from the past. At 05:32 the discussion moves towards the idea of safety during childhood. Nothing explicit or specific is mentioned, however, there is expressed internal conflict between a part that is conveying to my therapist that my childhood was “fine” “safe” “boring” as a means of protection, and another young part that is distress about the lie of being “fine”.

Therapist: So I'm gonna add some pretty simple here and now questions okay? They might sound a bit silly. Do you know the day and date today?

Me: It's a Tuesday.

Therapist: Yeah

Me: It’s Tuesday and it’s May because it's my cousin's birthday soon and–it’s 2023?

Therapist: That's right

Me: It doesn't feel–it doesn't feel like that. It feels it feels like there are two different things happening at the same time. It feels like there are two different times happening at the same time.

Therapist: And it feels like this?

Me: I don't know the other time but it feels–it's not at the same time as it is in this room

Therapist: Okay

Me: It's the time where I am, but not the time where ‘that ’is, and where ‘that’ is is in here (my therapist’s office)

Therapist: And you're somewhere else hey? can you tell me about where you are

Me: I know because because that is where I am isn't now, it's in the then, and I am small but it is confusing because the this–and that is confused with me and– I am confused

Therapist: Okay. Would you like to come back to this place or would you like me to come where you are so I can understand more about where that is and what that's like, and then when you're ready we can come together back to this place?

Me: *Nods*

Therapist: Okay. So you're pretty little there okay, what does it look like where you are? What can you see or hear?

Me: I can see lots of things at the same time. I can see my nan’s house, but I can also see my house, but then I can also see my old house. I can see all of them. And I can also see my nan and pop’s house. I can see all of those.

Therapist: Is there anyone else around as you see all of these houses?

Me: Hmm, I don't think so.

Therapist: Okay, okay that's a lot of houses there that you can see. Do you have a favorite

Me: I like Nan's house. Nan’s house is my favourite. We get to do lots of fun things at nan’s house. We get to have ice cream at Nan’s house, and caramel tarts, and honey joys. I like the caramel tarts the most

Therapist: They sound good

Me: And we got to play in the treehouse at Nan's house

Therapist: How does it feel seeing, remembering, holding those things right now?

Me: I like it–I like it a lot but it is confusing. It is confusing because of the ‘this’-- and when I stop thinking about those things–and andI don't know how to say. It's like there's another voice, the one that is like ‘this’ that those memories aren’t close memories anymore, and that they are far away memories and that Nan and Joan aren’t around anymore. And that is–I don't like–it's not a funny it's not a funny joke and I don't like it

Therapist: No, It's not funny at all.

[There was a fair bit of dialogue occurring at this point internally between a less cooperative part that is more aware of the time now, and these younger more vulnerable parts sharing the good memories from childhood. These younger parts are stuck in the past and are confused when it is pointed out by the other part that Nan passed away during my adult years. Externally my therapist was talking about how it's okay for this younger part to not understand these things and that they are currently okay sitting and staying in the happy memories rather than any memories that might make them feel unsafe. Where it is implied that some memories may be from times in childhood where I was not “safe” is where this second area of conversation picks up]

Therapist: You don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to, and you don't have to say anything but I'm getting the feeling that you might be a bit mad at me? and that's okay. Is that right? because it's okay if you are. I think I might have said something or done something that made you feel a bit angry or upset. Maybe it might have felt like I didn't understand

Me: I don’t know. I am– I don't need to go to a safe spot because I'm always safe, and that made me mad because I am always safe. There is not–I am mad– It is a silly idea that I am not always safe because I Am. I am always safe

Therapist: Okay, yeah so I made a mistake saying that hey? You know, sometimes as an adult I make mistakes. And I'm so much bigger than you, and sometimes adults can forget that kids also know how to keep themselves safe, they know how to do things. Thanks for reminding me. You know, I also think you and I might have some different ideas about what's okay, and what's not okay.How does it feel where you are right now? Safe enough? Okay?

Me: I guess okay, I don't know, I guess it's just normal. It just feels like “same same” or feels just normal– just like a normal day and things are okay. And it's just the same thing everyday, nothing ever changes it is always the same. It's boring

Therapist: Would you like to stay where it's normal, boring, or what'd you like for a part of you to find your way back here?

Me: I have to stay and– I don't understand why she is– why is she lying?

Therapist: Who was that who just lied?

Me: I don’t know but she is lying

Therapist I know, I know

Me: Now I– I shouldn't have said that she was lying. I shouldn’t have–

Therapist: It’s okay, it's okay. You don't have to stay there and it's okay. I know it's hurting you, she doesn't want to hurt you okay? Sometimes people say things when they're scared and they tell us they're safe even when they're not. And I'm hearing for you you're not

Me: But she is angry with me. I shouldn’t have said that she was a liar. That is not good and I shouldn’t have said that.

Therapist: Okay okay, and we can set up a discussion later okay? And you can talk to her and she can talk to you, And we’ll make sure you can have these conversations so she understands and you understand ,okay? But you’re both pretty little and I think you need an adult around. Can I help?

Me: I don't know how

Therapist: Can I come a bit closer to you? I’m just gonna keep my hand here *holds hand out next to me* you don't have to do anything but it's here okay? In case you want to hold it, in case– yeah make room for those yawns. If you want me to come in and bring you somewhere safe.I'm not gonna leave you alone okay little one? Can you see out this window?

Me: There’s another building

Therapist: Can you see the color of the sky?

Me: It’s blue

Therapist It’s very blue. Do you know what time of day it is to make it this blue?

Me: It is not night time because you can see the sky is blue. It is not morning because it makes a difference– it’s a light blue in the morning. It is maybe in the afternoon? It’s afternoon sometime. It is not dark like in the afternoon. It’s the middle of the afternoon

Therapist: Yeah that's right. Can you remember the name of this street that this house is on? What about the cat's name?

Me: She looks so cozy

Therapist: She does, doesn't she?

Me: Oh to be a cat

Therapist: It's a hard life

Me: I’m sure when we get a heater the cats will lay near the heater. We don’t have one yet though.

Therapist: I’m hearing that by mentioning when you get a heater

Me: Because we don’t have one

Therapist: There’s a different part of you around. That another part of you is here. The you who who lives with your partner and has pets

Me: Uhm… yeah, I guess?