Big life adjustments

a breakup and a new place to live

Hi, it’s me again!

The past few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster. Big life changes. I recently broke things off with my partner of 5 years, which wasn’t easy on myself or her. It’s difficult to leave someone you love and care deeply for. Realising you don’t want the same things, that you are completely different to how you were when the relationship began. It’s been hard. Not to mention when all of that was going down I also ended up having a gallbladder attack and going to hospital twice, with the second time being for surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I remember sitting in my hospital bed waiting to find out if my operation will be on Saturday or Sunday and realising that I’d need to arrange someone to go to rental inspections on my behalf.

The whole timeline of breaking up, surgery, and moving to a new place happened within a period of two weeks. I was discharged from hospital a day after my Sunday surgery, and attended a rental inspection on the Tuesday afternoon. I could have waited until the following weekend but honestly the place I wanted to look at seemed perfect and I was manifesting my future tenancy. Most units in Sydney are little shoebox places. Four walls including an area designated for kitchen use. Often you’ll also get a private bathroom, thankfully not in the same room as your bed/kitchen. Very rarely will you have a yard, or even a porch for that matter. A few days prior to my initial gallbladder attack, I’d looked at a place that I thought was “the one”. It had a bedroom AND a living room, along with a shared backyard. It was close to a train station and although it was nearing the top of my budget, I was willing to pay. Unfortunately someone else was approved for the property instead of me. I was a little bit upset with that, especially knowing that my financial situation would have been taken into account when my application was being reviewed. It’s difficult for people to understand that you’re willing to pay ⅔ of your fortnightly government pension amount on rent alone.

I’d looked into sharing a place. There’s a handy dandy facebook page for queers in Sydney, and I didn’t wish to share with a non queer. Unfortunately the thing about us LGBTQ+ folks is that we love our furry companions, and although there were many people that were happy to share a rental space with me, my three pets plus their floofs were just too much for property managers to accept. I had thought of rehoming my rabbits in order to gain a rental, and even reached out to a few shelters. Ultimately I couldn’t bear letting go of them, not if I could help it at least. So when the ad appeared for the place I’m currently living, I was determined to secure it at all costs. I also knew it would be a bit easier than some of my other applications, because it’s privately rented. Private rentals care less about how much of your income you’re going to have left over after paying rent, and more about whether or not you have a steady flow of money to pay rent on time. Thankfully, I’m disabled, so my finances are the same each fortnight.

And so, that same afternoon I was sent an approval message, a digital lease agreement, bank transfer details for my bond, and advised I could pick up the keys that Friday. One week post-hospital trip I was moving my things from one suburb to another with the help of my two care workers.

Everything has changed in the past four weeks. Well, not everything, but it has been a LOT. Due to moving a fair distance from where I was living before, I’ve had to hire a new careworker. Thankfully it didn’t take me too long to find one that I mesh well with. She’s lovely and has been a great support for me so far into my move.

I’ve spent the past few weeks gradually unpacking my stuff. I had the bulk of it unpacked the weekend I moved in, but it’s just the little placements of things that I’ve been going through. Things are feeling homey now, especially since I’ve unpacked my stuffed companions from the plastic bag they were moved in. Now they are squished together in a toy net that hangs above my bed. I’ve spent a bit of money on my credit account as a means of investing towards hobbies/ advocacy goals of mine. My PC and filming setup makes me smile so much. It’s giving ‘professional’. Never mind the fact that I still don’t know how to set up lighting, or half the settings on the camera that I’ve owned for at least 2 years now. The rest of the unit is cosy. I have a separate kitchen area, my own bathroom, and my own little courtyard. The pets absolutely love the courtyard. It brings me so much joy to see them roaming about outdoors without the need for their leads. The area I’m living in is also a less than 20 minute drive from therapy which is amazing!

I haven’t fully gone through all my post-break-up reflections and emotions due to the pace of everything that has happened in the past month, but I’ve had my moments. I’m trying to let myself grieve the relationship, however, there’s part of my mind that wiggles in often. Like the saying “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it”, I was the one to initiate the breakup, therefore I am not allowed to feel sad, to feel anything about it. I did this. It’s my fault. Or the idea that I’m a terrible person, that I broke her heart. A lot of things come to my mind when I start to feel even the tiniest bit of sadness. My mind is adamant that I don’t ‘deserve’ to be upset. Balancing that with the actuality that I’m allowed to go through any and all emotions about the break up and relationship itself can be difficult at times, but I’m still doing the thing.

So hi again. Things have changed a lot in my life lately, I’m still around though.