Bilateral Stimulation and Communication

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

This recording is very slow moving as I begin to implement elements of EMDR into my sessions. My therapist was doing some stimulation with me, whereby she was tapping on my legs as I discussed the qualities of Scribe, one of the parts of the 'Dream Team'. I find it quite fascinating to listen back on this session as the communication barriers are lowered and Scribe is brought forward by the time the session finishes.

Therapist: So I hear about this scribe part of you. Can you tell me about the Scribe part of you, what are the best qualities, skills, care, that the Scribe part of you brings?

Me: They just have a very maternal kind of instinct about them. It's not a conditional thing, or it doesn't feel as though I'm in trouble for feeling any certain way about things. But it just has a very different vibe with them, in comparison to mum for example. It's like them having the qualities that I didn't have in my relationship with Mum along with certain good aspects of the relationship with Mom. They are able to deal with and talk me, Mila, through my emotions, or I'm sure with Mox as well. But I don't feel as though I am making a big deal out of things when having those– whether they be internal more verbal conversations with them or internal more just like feelings based back and forth conversations with them.

Therapist: When did you notice the Scribe part of you around?

Me:I think because they are quite like Ether and Felix–a very combination of that. I only really noticed that combining– It would have been at some point last year

Therapist: Have there been, in the last year, any particular moments or experiences, or situations that you've been in with yourself, or with yourself and others, where you've noticed that having this beautiful combination of Ether, Felix, Nathaniel, as Scribe be helpful or supportive?

Me: I think definitely there was with the situation with Keira when there was that that big cluster fuck of emotions and those those newer like parts like Sasha or whatever. But definitely around that point then, of there being some sort of clarity I guess, in amongst everything, of feeling kind of a sense of calm and logic, and that things would be okay. So I think there's definitely that situation and what they brought about then, but I think as well there's certainly been times like with Scribe being around, I mean mostly Mel, but with Scribe and Mel kind of being around with the situation with the date the other day and feeling able to kind of voice thoughts and emotions about that and what was internally happening at the time. Or yeah, times when I've been feeling quite overwhelmed. I mean obviously sometimes it's very hit or miss in in terms of whether I can hear them that well, or whether they come about before my emotional state escalates

Therapist: Is there an image that goes along with the feeling, the sense of Scribe?

Me: Yes and no. Sometimes it just feels like there’s an aura around, like just this wispy kind of ball, kind of thing. Whereas other times it's like the internal kind of appearance thing during those more ‘board meeting’ discussions. It definitely depends on what ways that Nathaniel would deal with things, where they're very much in that mindset of “ that particular thing of dealing with this”, so it sometimes fluctuates appearance wise, or it's just very aura-like I suppose

Therapist: Does the aura have a colour?

Me: Yeah, usually like green or an orangey kind of colour

Therapist: Okay. Can we try something?

Me: Sure

Therapist: So if it feels comfortable for you to close your eyes for a moment and just take a few breaths, just letting the breath ground and center the body, getting comfortable, and really start to direct your attention and focus to this wonderful, maternal, Scribe part of you. This combination of Ether, Felix, Nathaniel. Just noticing where in your body you sense the endless support, the unconditional understanding that Scribe offers. The validation that what is being felt by any of the little ones or anyone else, matters. That ability to acknowledge and have clarity. The way Scribe speaks and talks to the emotions with a sense of hope that “it will be okay”, they will help find a way through. Calling in that wispy green or orange kind of aura, and just taking your time to really locate and feel this Scribe part of you. What are you noticing right now?

Me: I mean, I notice that it definitely feels like they’re close by

Therapist: Where do you feel that in your body?

Me: Very around the top of my forehead kind of thing. Just this very airy wispy feel to it

Therapist: Are there any feelings that go along with that ?

Me: No, not that’s coming to mind. It's just very, I guess, observational in a way. Not that that's a feeling or emotion, but it kind of feels like that

Therapist: Okay. Are you getting a bit of a sense– So you can keep your eyes closed or looking down at the ground. I’m just moving a little bit closer to you. As you're sensing, and just let me know if anything changes–I'm very lightly, but I'll wait till I get your consent, just going to alternate tapping on your knees. Is that okay with you?

Me: Yes

Therapist: So just continuing to allow your awareness and focus to breathe in and let that ‘airy’ around the head, see if it might want to fill down the space along your shoulders, arms, anywhere else in your body. Bringing in that care, unconditional support, acknowledgment that all the feelings matter and are real. That calm, that persistent maternal instinct that can reassure and offer clarity, and hope. What are you noticing now?

Me: I think they’re around, but also I don't know why Dakota is also around. So that’s kind of what I'm noticing at the moment

Therapist: Can you feel that sense, that way that Scribe looks towards situations, towards the feelings inside, with that care and acknowledgment? Perhaps just take a deeper breath and very gently I'm just going to ask for this Scribe part of you– let me rephrase that. I'd like to ask, what does this Scribe part of you want the little ones to know? About healing, about the future, about their ‘yuck’, or their sad, or their angry feelings. There is no rush, take your time inside

Me: I guess there’s just the desire to not have those younger parts feel fear about what is ‘now’, which feels very much like the future for them. And those parts not to have to live in that state of fear. For them to know that they are now in a place that is safe, with people that are safe, that there are a lot more supports available for me now versus then. That the things that happened back then weren't my fault, and that those things are real and did happen, and that it wasn't fair for those things to happen, but it also wasn't– that there wasn't– There were things that could have been done but those things weren't my responsibility. They're things that shouldn't have been done by other people, and then there are things that should have been done, or certain signs of things that were happening, that should have been tended to and taken care of by other people, by adults in my life, and that they weren't. But now I am an adult and I am able to take care of myself and my own needs without the worry of someone else hurting me. And that I can protect myself now

Therapist: Take a moment with all of that wonderful offering, and awareness, and holding. And returning to that want for the younger parts to feel reassured that they are now in a place that is safe. That they don't have to live in fear anymore, and that none of what happened was their fault. Look through Scribe's eyes to find and see some of these younger parts. Let the younger ones, if they are willing to come forward or to let Scribe know, let the younger ones ask Scribe anything they might need to ask, anything they need, anything they're worried about, if they do have questions or little stories they need to share, have Scribe reassure them. They might need to be shown around, they might need Scribe to make a promise about how they will be taken care of. They might need Scribe to take them on a tour, of this room, of your house. To show them all the corners and rooms and behinds so they can see evidence of the safety and the supports. What are you noticing yeah

Me: It’s definitely a mixture of some of them being very stuck in the past, but in various different ways I guess. There are the parts that know that bad things happened, but they also have happy memories and they don't want to know further. They're very, I guess, living in a fantasy world in a way. And then there are parts that are very– I think there's one or two that are very like a kid on like the first day of school, kind of thing, and then hide behind their parents leg. Very much like that with Scribe, at the idea of being shown around current spaces that I'm regularly in, and not feeling as though it's a trap or a trick.

Therapist: Any other little ones in there?

Me: There are some that are kind of, I wouldn't say “excited” about the idea, but they are certainly more open to it, but also a bit fearful in a way. I think that probably might be coming from Inqui actually. Yeah I think that she's in amongst those that are kind of sharing that um space with Scribe at the moment

Therapist: These little ones, are they all in a space together right now or are they in different areas?

Me:The ones that I can hear are within the same space. I know that there will be parts on Elijah's side that may have different thoughts and opinions about the question that you had before, but I can't tap into that, so to speak. It's mainly just those that are around Scribe

Therapist: Can you get Scribe to thank these little ones for sharing? Some of them that they have happy memories that want to keep holding on to, that they want to hold that world they live in. And thank the little parts who are hiding, not sure if they can trust, and feel like it might be a trick, as well as the parts who feel a bit open like Inqui, but also fearful. Using that maternal and unconditional validation that Scribe offers, that is caring and holds hope, thank these little or younger ones for showing where they're at right now. Have Scribe reassure that everyone's needs will be met, and that everyone will get to take the pace they need until they feel they trust something that they might be okay with happening. Have Scribe reassure them Scribe is always around, and that if they feel scared, or angry, or yuck, or sad; they can signal for Scribe.

And that for right now we're just gonna say goodbye to those little ones, in the spaces they're in. Not abandoning them, and letting them know we're going to come back so the ones that are stuck, we can help bring them where they'd like to be. And just coming back into that sense of that clarity, let yourself move slowly away from the littles, letting any of the yawns come. Coming back to that Scribe part of you that says, “I am an adult.I can take care of my needs. I am in a place that's safe. I have supports”. Can you still sense that feeling of Scribe around? Where do you feel it now?

Me: I think certainly still in my head but more positioned towards the front of my head, and certainly more felt down through my torso. It feels like putting a layer of of tissue paper over a piece of paper, or a sense of something here being a solid object and something kind of phasing through that

Therapist: I’m just gonna ask you to take a couple of deep breaths. And just noticing that front of your head, down towards your torso, that kind of tissue paper like phasing through, welcoming any of the yawns. We're gonna hold on to this hold on to this sense of this presence, of this part of you around. And as you feel ready I'm gonna ask you to just stretch, shift your fingers, your hands, your feet, any of the movements. Alert your ears and hearing back into the sounds of the room and outside the room. And I’m going to gently ask you as you're ready to come back to the space

Me: Sorry my brain's trying to figure out what on earth that song is. There’s definitely that tissue paper feel to things

Therapist: How is that?

Me: It’s fine, it's okay. It’s just different, not in a bad way ‘different’. I think it's more, not inverted, but the opposite way kind of thing. It's like– words at the moment are difficult

Therapist: So I think when I might suggest: How would you feel if we pause, if we end there? We don't try to rush or move back into this kind of space or this space, would that be all right with you?

Me: Yes

Therapist: And then some other parts of what we spoke about doing we can pick up and get back to?

Me: Yep. It’s just very opposite phasing, kind of thing. It's mostly Scribe at the moment but Mila is kind of around