Building a "Dream Team"

resourcing capacities from other parts during times of stress or high emotion

Me: Miri had asked me yesterday whether I would mind if she goes over for about a week or two when he's over there and I was feeling–

Therapist: Can I just check in what because when you're saying “I” today who's I?

Me: Well I as in, I mean there's a couple around at the moment, but I is in Moxie. I was feeling a little bit upset and then I told Miri that “I'm just a bit upset that you didn't ask me to go” and she says “yeah no you're right that's not very nice of me to do I'm sorry. I just thought because you didn't like traveling and stuff that you wouldn't want to come, but you're right” and then she asked if I wanted to go and I said “no not really”. And then I teared up a bit and I was crying a little bit because I was proud of myself for telling her that I was upset.

Therapist: Can you linger there just for a moment to notice the feelings that are around in your body, the sensations sharing this story, of noticing what you were feeling, acknowledging that, resourcing a place in you who could articulate those feelings, have them held and responded to, tear up a little and then recognize “no I don't want to go”; What are you noticing?

Me: I think I'm a little bit–I mean not as–a little bit embarrassed about feeling proud about it, over something so little, kind of thing, but I am still proud I guess of myself for doing that

Therapist: if we just come back to that ‘proud’, where do you feel that in your body?

Me: I mean I guess kind of like– hmm I don't know whether it's more in my chest, it's not like in my nose but it kind of like feels like here but not like in my face, but I don't know it just feels here kind of thing as well as in my chest

Therapist: So maybe just take a moment, just taking a few breaths and focusing that awareness to the feelings in your chest, around your nose and face just to them grow and notice there may be parts around that resist, or that have concerns or discomfort. Let's notice them without attaching to them. Come back to that place in your chest, your nose and face, “I did that and it is a big thing”.

Me: I don't like sitting in this proudness, sitting in the pride. I don't–it's weird, it's odd.

Therapist: Weird and odd, yes?

Me: Yes it's weird and odd

Therapist: It’s a bit unfamiliar, hey?

Me: Yes it's unfamiliar and I don't like things that aren't familiar

Therapist: Is that yours Moxie? The “I don't like things that are unfamiliar” or is that something that belongs to another part?

Me: Oh I think it's pretty Universal

Therapist: Was there anything new or unfamiliar about how you approached that situation with Miri?

Me: That I communicated it to her fairly straight away. I was able to also kind of have that rational thought process amongst the emotion. I could identify the fact that I was feeling sad and why I was feeling sad, and be able to kind of sit with that and then think to myself, “okay well I'm feeling sad because this reason and it's not– it makes sense for me to be sad”, rather than automatically jumping on judging myself

Therapist: So very new and very skilled. When we can resource those capacities in us, those are our adult parts, our here and now parts, our adult selves have words for our feelings where our child selves have feelings and require reassurance through the reflection or mirroring of those feelings being valid. But it's our adult selves and parts that we call upon to do something about the feelings that we notice and I'm hearing that maybe Mel was quite helpful?

Me: Yeah yeah she definitely was very helpful.

Therapist: How did she help?

Me: I think she was just very good at being supportive and validating kind of– not in not in the same way that Scribe is which is more of a paternal kind of way, but more as a –I wouldn't even say– Kind of just like having like that that best friend that you would have, like a childhood best friend that you've been friends with for ages, and it's just very comforting and encouraging. And just being like “no, you know, speak up, say something” and being supportive of that emotion of sadness.

Therapist: This may be something for us to strengthen and resource as well when we're working through and bringing up, and addressing to take care of the distress of more of our wounded and littler parts; There is a quality of the parts of us who show up now who have the highest functioning and empathizing, and protective problem solving skills, that we want them to be able to hold the hand of those more vulnerable parts of us, those wounded feelings, so those feelings know they aren't alone. And I'm hearing a two-fold process that Mel was in your chest holding your hand And that offered you the opportunity to articulate clearly, and identify your feelings to Miri and then receive holding and reassurance of those feelings from Miri within your relationship. That's what we call intrapersonal processing to enhance interpersonal relationships. The stronger we develop that intrapersonal capacity, we then notice how much can change interpersonally. Does she feel like for you in this moment a part of you who you want on that resource team? That more ‘adult’ or grown parts of you who show up

Me: Yeah yeah definitely

Therapist: You've mentioned some of them but I'm curious what skills and qualities will she offer you to have moving forward if we continue to really resource her as part of your team?

Me: Definitely a lot of optimism and support, and wanting– I guess wanting of the best for me, for us, for I Ezra, kind of thing. Also I think she does get along well enough with some parts that don't necessarily get along with me Mox, or there's less desire for for Mila– those Mila’s, kind of thing, to get along with Scribe. Whereas because Mel has got more of like a friends-like “pals with everyone” kind of attitude– but yeah

Therapist: And this, some of what you're describing, is why we're mobilizing a team that at this stage and you know, even moving forward. There may be littler parts or other parts of Mila who don't like some of the ways Scribe makes decisions, or some of the ways other parts of you that you call on to be part of this team, and that's okay that's allowed; What we're looking for is finding a balance, so finding these parts of you or parts that we will find and mobilize, to kind of come together like they're the discussion team, the meeting team. They have a place and you can kind of sit there and go “okay” and invite the younger ones in, “what is happening for them?”. Is it this scared little one, or this angry little one, or this vulnerable little one? And their worries get brought to the team and the team gets to make a decision, “okay which one of us should take this?”

Me: I think then, B as well

Therapist Yeah, do you want to take a moment and kind of have a little think?

Me: Yes sorry, my brain had already jumped ahead

Therapist: I see you doing that, so why don't we go there? While you're doing this take your time and just allow anytime you come upon “oh yeah this part of me might be good” to let– There might be other parts that come in or other thoughts that go “oh but not that about her” or “not that about them”, just see if you can detach from those and just connect to who comes up for you, and perhaps give yourself a little bit of time to kind of feel into ‘why’. “Why would I want them on the team, what would they bring, when have they been supportive?”. If there are specifics that come up let me know, tell me about those stories. I'm really curious who this team might be built with

Me: Yeah I mean B, I’m trying to even think of– I can’t think of specific instances but I just know that she would be good because she brings a lot of, I don't know, fierceness I suppose, in a way. Kind of “take no shit” kind of thing. There's rational, logical thinking that's around at the same time rather than pure emotional “take no shit”. I feel like they're two different kind of things

Therapist: So would it be like she has some kind of regulatory capacity to be with the feelings but also recognize “okay what is appropriate or matched?

Me: Yeah, yeah

Therapist:
I'm very curious because she sounds, you know– these qualities that I know about her being reintroduced to them while you're describing her, that fierceness, that “take no shit”, and that awareness of what's happening inside and what might be adaptive in how to communicate or take action about the feelings outside, where do you imagine she would be helpful? This part of you is here on this team and we start mobilizing the sense the feeling of that fierceness, of that “take no shit”, and you look at the life that you're in right now, the things you have to do in your life, the course you're going to take, the choices you're making; Where do you think she might be most helpful?

Me: I don't know whether it's kind of a reverse psychology encouragement but I think there's like that difference, I guess, on on how I take her statements versus how I would take Karma’s statements or whatever, of just being very– like if I were doing something and had a feeling of say quitting my course for example, and B in a motivational way like Mel does but in B’s ‘B’ way I guess of just being like “quit being a little bitch, just do it”. But in an encouraging way, and I don't take that in a negative way.

[I was holding out my hands while explaining the differences between B and Karma’s ways of phrasing things, using my hands to demonstrate my thoughts or feelings helps me explain things better sometimes]

Therapist: Okay, and that’s on that hand?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Okay, and just turning your attention to this other hand, and this is Karma?

Me: Yeah. Pretty much just being like you are like “you are being a little bitch about it, you're always going to keep quitting this thing, why do you try? why do you even bother because you're going to fail like you fail everything else”. It's just got a very different tone to it and the way that I take it is very different. The way that I would take something that was said in childhood is like the way that Karma says it, kind of thing. Whereas the way the B says it I don't, I guess, take it in the same way. Yeah I don't– does that make sense?

Therapist: You hear it differently?

Me: Yeah I hear it differently. It just doesn't feel like there is malice attached to it, kind of thing

Therapist: It strikes me that it maybe karma is quite am introject

Me: Yes

Therapist: And I'm wondering if over here B is perhaps reclaiming some of that language, so taking the language but not mimicking it to harm you or to hurt you, reclaiming it and using it as a kind of power maybe? Or agency to fuel, like hey bitch we fucking got this”

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Would it be right in saying that perhaps B is a part of you who's helpful in specific situations, at specific times, but not necessarily across the board all day long?

Me: Correct, yes

Therapist: Okay. Okay

Me: Yeah I don't know whether really any part is “across the board”. I think each part that I think is useful on the ‘executive team’, I suppose, has I guess set situations that they're more or less helpful in, and I think a lot of the time as well it depends on which other parts are around–like with the whole ‘executive team’ they have connections in one way shape or another to other parts, to I guess resource those other parts of the executive team or whatever, but they're not like– To just be like “hey I need some help with this thing can you help?” kind of thing.

Therapist: Yeah, okay Thank you for clarifying that. So I'm just wondering– I'm noticing our time here. Maybe if it feels okay with you: I'm just looking back over all of these beautiful descriptions you've given and all of these parts and this on their way to being vetoed and vetted into this this group, if we might just take a moment either lower your eyes or close your eyes, take a few breaths to get a sense thus far of the feeling of what it's like inside to consider this as a support, strong, resilient, protective and nurturing team. That at this stage we have Mel, B, Scribe, Elijah, Everett and Dakota; and just take a moment just noticing any of the feelings or sensations in your body, any of the thoughts moving around in your mind, and just really bring that focus to seeing or sensing the different qualities if it’s each of these parts coming together. And if we use a sort of silly therapy image like around a table, or in a field, or somewhere, but just for a moment considering if all of these parts we're all together with their clipboards or their pens, to help figure out something that might come up for a younger part, some way to solve a problem for the all of Ezra; How does that team feel or look to you? Does anything need to be added, changed? Is it all right for now?

Me: I think it's pretty good. I mean, they all kind of worked pretty well together I think anyway but it's not something that I'd ever– there’s never been an official “Dream Team” kind of thing. It's not something that's been a conscious kind of “okay these are the ways that these parts help” and working together, kind of thing. They've been there on and off, but not in a– I'm assuming, you know, what I guess the goal is with EMDR being like “okay how can we resource them and in what situations?”, and trying to kind of bring them about when going through emotional distress, that hasn't ever been a thing. It's like every now and then they'll just pop up, rather than trying to put in place those foundations or building blocks, or whatever just being like “okay like let's try and practice strengthening that so they are around more frequently during those times”. So yeah it hasn't ever been like an official Dream Team kind of thing, it's been a very wishy-washy team of executives. Wishy-washy a lot of people just be not in the office on their shifts, kind of thing.

Therapist: Okay, so I'm thinking with that, maybe we can never think about what, you know, because we've sort of got the blueprint now, we've got the layout and now we're building it up, we're making it more dimensional and real, and felt. So those are the processes that we will start next. There may be a bit more information gathering that I might ask you about, and I'll go back through the slides. I know things have changed but I'll go back through notes and have a look. How has this session felt for you?

Me: Productive? Yes, productive

Therapist: That's a bit of a question there?

Me: Pretty sure– I’m just, like, I think that the word that is coming to my mind the most, is ‘productive’. Yeah

Therapist: What does ‘productive’ feel like? How do you know?

Me: It feels like something to be proud of and I don't like it

Therapist: These ‘P’ words

Me: Yep, yep. Productive, proud: Hate it