Deservingness

My therapist encourages me to challenge the idea that me being deserving of something, does not need to be defined by my actions of "goodness" or "badness".

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

Me: So she got back to me again the other day and was just like, “hey, you know, finally finalizing the stuff”- and asked for my International Bank code number, or whatever the hell it was. And I gave that to her, and then she's like “okay you should expect money in a couple of days”. Obviously I didn't know how much the money was going to be, and I’m not going to ask “hey how much did my dead Grandma leave to me?”. And so this is on Thursday I think it was, that she was messaging me. No- Wednesday. And then yesterday I checked my bank account, because I get a notification I’d been deposited money to the account. I saw it and I was just absolutely- I'm still shocked.

Therapist: I can see

Me: I've never- And it's hard to say- Because I'm just still in shock, and just confused, bewildered

Therapist: How was it for you? And I'm hearing your brain “can't compute it” to- you know, because we've done a little bit of the body work today- I'm just kind of dropping in- When you at first just even received the information that your Nan had put in her will that some of the money was going to you

Me: Oh gosh. That was a little while ago. I guess I didn't believe it, and I think in a way, at the moment; I still don't believe it. To me I feel like they were just telling me that she left me money, when really it's like money that dad has taken from what was left for him. That they just felt bad for me that I wasn't ever really part of the family.

Therapist: And now?

Me: Now? I mean, I sort of still think the same way. But I think I'm more believing the fact that she had left money for me. But at the same time when I entertain the thought of “oh yeah, she left me money”, is that I don't feel like I deserve it

Therapist: How does that feel like?

Me: I mean it's- There's a sensation of sadness. Yeah, like sadness or guilt.

Therapist: Is that true? You don't deserve it?

Me: Yeah, because I didn't know her. I didn't make any effort to get to know her. I've never met her

Therapist: So deserving it would - You would deserve it if?

Me: If I spent time with her. If I’d known her. Like with Nan, it’s like well okay- People leave money in Wills for loved ones, or whatever- and it's like “okay, that makes sense” becauseI I grew up with Nan. I spent time with Nan, and Nan wanted to help me in my future, and stuff like that, and left money in her will for me. Whereas, I didn't I didn't know her. I've never met her. I don't know what she likes, what she didn't like. I don't- I didn't know where she even lived. Yeah, I didn't know her, so I feel like I don't deserve the money. And I don't know whether part of that also impacts my thoughts about just being like “Oh well I- I need to go to the UK”. Because I think I do want to go to the UK, but I think also partly I'm just like “I need to show my appreciation to this side of my family”, you know? “I need to go and make sure that I see them, or I stay for a longer time. I need to make sure that I visit them, and spend time with them, and get to know them”, you know? Especially because they've been so kind as to give me all of this money, like “I need to show that I am grateful, or appreciative of it, and not waste it”.

Therapist: How is it for you noticing all these things that are saying all these different- holding all these different belief- about ‘deserving-ness’, or ‘ right’, or what ‘to do’ with the money, or what's ‘obligated’; versus ‘needed’ and ‘wanted’ amidst all of that? How is it to hold that you are cared about, were cared about, considered outside of any thing you did or didn't do, simply for existing and being in the world?

Me: I don't think I really put any thought into that because, I guess, I'm very much in denial of that as a concept kind of thing. I think that's another thing that my brain just doesn't compute

Therapist: What does the mind do instead? When you're offered that and it sort of tries to go in, what happens in the mind when you say “it doesn't compute” ? What is ‘it’?

Me: I guess that my mind just feeds me out other explanations, like “they feel bad for me” or that his mom “felt bad for me because he didn't raise me”- Which I guess probably is also part of my- How I don't like being seen as ‘weak’. I think that kind of hits a nerve, in that. It just makes me feel like I am weak or that I can't take care of myself.

Therapist: So do you have to hold on to that?

Me: The feeling?

Therapist: The thought that amidst the rejections, that came in and said “well it must be this: that someone felt bad for you”. Do you have to take that, accept it from the mind and say “okay that's the truth” ?

Me: I mean, logically no. Logically no, I don’t have to

Therapist: And it's an honest question, I'm not tricking you

Me: Logically no, I don't have to. But I feel like it's something that I hold, I guess

Therapist: Is there a choice in there? The choice to hold on to that thought and integrate it as a belief of your own

Me: I don't feel like there’s choice. It just feels very latched on to me, like a leech, kind of thing. It just feels like- yeah

Therapist: Okay. We're gonna be really just a bit gentle with it. I've used the words ‘noticing’, and ‘making space’; These are intentional uses of these words. Sometimes some of the longer term impacts of traumas and experiences we have, can translate into a way of being, and a way of understanding ourselves in the world. And some of that can be “I'm good because of what I do”, “ I'm bad because of what I do”, it can orient around the ‘doing’ space. So sitting with, or even just kind of very lightly making some space for this quite radical idea that perhaps you are just lovable, and just cared about, and just good, because of who you are and not what you do. Is that too much?

Me: No, I think my brain was already just at the same time just- it doesn't emotionally make sense, kind of thing.

Therapist: Okay. That’s okay

Me: What if I go over there and my aunt doesn't like me, or I just- I don't- I I think that feeling of not “belonging”, I guess. It's-

Therapist: What is the worry here?

Me: That I don't belong,. and what if I lose them too? What if like Mom and her family- like, I don't- I'm afraid of making the proper connection because I don't want to lose it. So if I just stay at a distance I won't lose it. It'll just be this limbo, this in between. I want to go over there because I want to see them, but I also don't want to go over that because I am afraid

Therapist: Yeah, that's understandable

Me: It's like he already left me once, he might leave me again

Therapist: That’s a lot of responsibility to be holding that's not all yours. And that consideration of what to do with the vulnerability, and the fears of loss, are really thoughtful and caring towards you. I'm just wondering perhaps, if that might be okay for us to come to maybe a little bit later? Just come back, find that space. There are these opportunities, whatever you choose to do with them, that are possible because your dad's mom wanted to ensure that some money came to you. And now it has, that means that you get to make some choices. And they don't have to happen overnight, and they might change, but there is some security in that. I want to be clear that I'm not bringing or inviting you to come back to that place because of the other things you are exploring right now and feeling, because there's something “wrong” with them, “too scary” about them; They're very important, okay? And I know this, and I would like to spend time with them with you. I'm being mindful of our time together, of having about five more minutes together. I'm just wanting to care so that there's not too much activation, because those are pretty meaningful, and I think I would like to be with them with you when we can really go into them, and I can ensure that we can do also what's needed afterwards