Fear of Integration, or Fear of Losing Myself?

Talking concerns about who I would be as one cohesive sense of self. Will I even like myself?

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

Therapist: I was wondering if–well a couple of things. If we might just continue to make space for the yawns, and Mila and anyone else, and if we might spend a bit of time just reflecting on our last session together. So we tried a different kind of process, how was that for you?

Me: Good. I was listening back to it this morning actually. I find it quite interesting listening back to the sessions. Obviously I find it more interesting listening back to the sessions where it's Mila, or anyone else that's not me because I'm already quite– I'm already fairly aware, I have enough recollection of how my sessions go– like it's nice to have a little jog of the memory. Yeah it's quite interesting to listen back to when Mila's around, and her thoughts and opinions on things.

Therapist: Yeah because that relationship sort of fluctuates, doesn't it, between you and Mila?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: I know that you mentioned it helps you understand what's happening for her, or what comes up, and you notice that time of overlap

Me: Yeah I noticed that time of overlap, and then towards the end I think Scribe was definitely around, and Mila had kind of taken a back seat. But yeah I noticed that and that was quite interesting, especially since we hadn't really done that kind of thing in therapy before

Therapist: How do you feel about what you're hearing some of Mila’s experience be like?

Me: Proud *grimaces then laughs*

Therapist: *laughs* I was like “what is that face?”. It wasn't a trick question to get you to say that I promise. No therapy agenda. Proud?

Me: Proud that I, Ezra, am able to have better communication between parts, or proud of Mila specifically as a part for being able to be more honest– like having more trust in different parts that she didn't used to want to share a lot of things with. So I'm proud of her, and then in turn obviously me as ‘Ezra’. Yeah because obviously “recovery isn't linear” and all of that jazz, but I guess for things like that it's really quite a visible change. Or not so much visible, but it's a noticeable change as opposed to little things I don't really think about often, and then there are things like this which I think is quite a large significant thing. So being able to see that progress is something to be proud of

Therapist: With a little bit of “bleugh” ?

Me: Bleugh

Therapist: Yeah, it is quite a noticeable change. Especially in what you just mentioned in that sharing space, because that wasn't there in this way before. This sort of willingness, you used the word ‘honest’ as well, that there's kind of an honest sort of openness, that's also maybe a bit of that p word towards that Mila is sharing, that communication is changing and happening differently between parts. What is that like? I know you said “proud, and I'm noticing this”, but when you listen back and you're hearing that that is what was happening in the moment, can you recall what that was like? “Inside my body my mind”

Me: I think it was definitely the feeling of that “wow”, fascinated, “this is so interesting and new”, and that feeling of pride, but I think as well there was that slight bit of anxiety I think. There's an anxiety of “well who am I as a person when these barriers are broken down? When there is more communication, because this is kind of all I've ever known, and who am I without without all of this? What am I actually like? Am I going to like the person that I am?

Therapist: I'm so glad that you brought this up because this was something I wanted to talk about with you today. You mentioned it as ‘anxiety’?

Me: I don't know whether that's the most accurate word I'm after

Therapist: I'm curious, are there worries or concerns, or thoughts that maybe come in? Even if we just start with the first one, the first question that came up as you were describing the anxiety. “Who am I as a person? Who will I be as a person in this, during this, or after this process of “getting better” or healing?”. Are there any concerns or worries, or fears there, from you as Mars, Mox, or from other parts inside? Any fears of loss or being changed?

Me: I think it's a fear of the unknown. I wouldn't necessarily say that there is a fear of “oh what if I become one cohesive self?”, I don't think there's a fear of that. It's more the “What would I even be like as one cohesive self ?”. Yeah so there's no fear of all of these parts becoming one, kind of thing, it's more like “oh what capabilities, what traits of different parts will be more ‘dominant’, so to speak?”

Therapist: I think what’s really important here is using trauma-informed language and practice as a kind of love language, because there's an unknown to it. So reorienting it to agency, and resourcing, at this stage. I suppose why I would like to pause there, is for us to just be a bit mindful as well, that I'm hearing you offer this to me– if it feels okay just pausing for a moment. Do you think, as Mars and Mox, that there might be any part of you in there who is a part who originated around trauma as part of survival, as a part of you with certain beliefs and certain ways of feeling, who might feel resistant, scared, or angry about being held through– I'm being careful with my words here, but having something of it, maybe integration process, as some of that trauma gets worked through. That trauma being sort of their origin story and what makes them ‘them’ inside.

Me: I think possibly Everett, just because of how he came about. I don't know actually how Mila genuinely feels, because if she does feel any fear it's not like she's necessarily showing it to me or allowing me into that, so I'm not too sure about her. Yeah I don't know okay, but definitely Everett.

Therapist: What do you think might come up for him?

Me: I think there's definitely a– oh and there's obviously Karma, or certain bits of Mila that have that ‘resistance’ because there's that introjected thought pattern of needing me to continue to feel pain. With Everett I think there's that fear of “well if there is that that integration process with him, and him gradually fading and lulling to the side, and that scoop up of all of me, kind of thing, that I won't be able to to keep myself safe, or I won't be able to assert my needs, or realize when things– when there are too many red flags”. So there's definitely that

Therapist: Yeah that red flag, guard roll, that he plays is pretty vital

Me:Yeah

Therapist: Or that he feels is really vital for you?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: And we talked a few sessions ago about making a time to come back to that, for and with him, to really take our time there–

Me: *Dissociating into the abyss*

Therapist: What just happened then?

Me: Do you have like a weird detector or something like that? Uhm definitely– Mila’s very uh much around, so my brain kind of just went–uh It felt like I had a slight malfunction in my brain, it just was like “blerp”

Therapist: What happened in the “blerp”?

Me: Oh I was feeling some of Mila's feelings. But at the moment it's kind of like when you wake up from a dream, and I knew what I was feeling at the time, and what the thoughts were, but now it just feels very hazy and like a dream. But, her feelings about all of that

Therapist: Yeah, let's not force the words. A part of what we have been doing, and especially the last small handful of sessions as we are sort of doing this. Let yourself yawn, invite them in. My view is that we're doing this together

*gesturing hands coming together*

With whoever, and all of you who shows up. That for the first period of time in our relationship, and the relationship I was starting to get to build with different parts of you, was the all of it. So as different trust would build I would get to meet different parts of you, or get to hear about different things, and the moment and the day, or the week. And part of that is really like stabilizing, and kind of–that's that therapy word– but essentially creating a territory for you, and all of you to feel like I understand, can see, what your life looks like now, what it's looked like before, the ways each of you think and feel towards things. It's kind of testing me, and testing us throughout that, and seeing “Is there safety here? What happens when this happens? What happens when this happens?”. And when I feel as–

*notices my mind has gone elsewhere again*
Is it better if I pause?

Me: I'm listening kind of -ish.Maybe

Therapist: Kind of, yeah. I know I continued there for a moment even though what just started happening was happening throughout that whole time. Do you feel like you can tell me?

Me I think maybe one of the things that I am worried about, I suppose, I guess there is probably that worry there of not “losing” – but like “losing” parts of myself. But that whole thing of “well what if I don't have parts like Ady that are able to kind of have that chill, that space of just enjoying fun things?”. And what if I don't have that? That's supposed to be a thing that's also good for stress, and I won't have that. SoI guess there is that worry about that.

Therapist: Yeah, of course there's that worry there

Me: And I don't want to lose that, but I feel like that's a selfish thought, or a very self-indulged– I don't know, that I just need to like “whatever happens, happens” and I shouldn't be concentrated on that aspect of things, and that what's most important is working on the the triggers resulting from trauma and stuff.I can't be picky and choose with things, and that it's ‘anti-recovery’ in a way, and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be jeopardizing myself or be be reluctant to anything

Therapist: Can we be really clear about something? It’s very important what you’re noticing, andI what you’re mentioning, especially that incredible aspect of Ady, who is calming. And let's just see if we can toss out, not even just out into the window, but out into some sort of garbage removal service: cultures oppressive idea of ‘recovery’ and these definitions around what is ‘anti-recovery’. Because yeah triggers are important and significant, and they're important to me here with you, because of how all of you share with me what sometimes happens, and the parts of what sometimes happens that you don't like, that don't feel good, or they get in the way of connection, or of belonging, or of getting to do what you want to do. That's what's important to me about the triggers, and in order for those to be able to be safely and calmly helped, resolved, and healed, it is absolutely necessary to include and not lose the beauty of the aspects of Ady, like her calm, like her play, like the way she looks out at the world with those eyes that are uniquely hers. We are not wanting to lose anything unless I hear from you, and we do enough work in a space– if I hear from you, or any other part of you that says “I don't like this, I want this gone”, then we would open that up and take a look: “What's happening? Who wants it gone? Who is it hard for? Why is it hard?”. At no point are we obliterating any part of you. You are the guide here, I'm just walking alongside. I don't get to tell you what's best for you

Me: I think it's that I am–and with the whole unknown thing– and I don't like I don't mind either, no ‘option’, but I don't mind either outcome, and I know that both of them are good and healthy, but I am frustrated at myself for being selective. Because I can't always control what happens, but I'm frustrated at myself for being selective and wanting one more than the other, and I guess there's maybe a fear of disappointment if it eventuates in the other way.

Therapist: Yeah, okay. And that disappointment, whether or not that does happen, but the disappointment, and us talking about it, and spending some time with the thoughts there, and the concerns there, that's really important. It is so good that you're bringing this up to me, and with that little point about being “selective”, well guess what honey? It’s your time. IIt is not selfish.

Me: Scribe is saying it's like having a sense of agency

Therapist: Yeh, and Scribe is right. And it’s pretty healing, because sometimes we can think that working through triggers or trauma places, is being plunked right back down inside of them, looking at them, feeling them, doing all that again. Sometimes it is, other times it's like moments like this, and noticing that perhaps to feel “selfish” about being selective about your own wants, for your own life, for yourself, is not a thought or a feeling that's yours. And that by having a part like Scribe around that says “hey this is agency”, and being willing to tell me, so having me here to go “yeah it's been uncomfortable, but this is really good”, is helping, is returning to some of those places where some learning might have taught some of you that you're not supposed to really ever have a want, deserve to believe you get to have it, and not apologize for that