Fragmented state of mind

conflicting beliefs as a CSA victim/survivor

Disclaimer :
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that the recording and subsequent transcriptions/publishing by myself has been approved by my therapist.

This transcript is clippings from two separate therapy sessions that each involve discussion of, and subsequent input from certain fragments. It is very evident in these recordings how having a fractured identity can cause confusion and lead to conflicting beliefs. Majority of this audio centres around CSA (child sexual abuse) and warped perceptions of grooming. The discussion is not graphic in terms of detail, however, it likely could be triggering to those with similar experiences.

Therapist: That sounds confusing

Me: Yeah confusing as well because there's just those different Mila’s. There’s different parts of me that have those different reactions to things and in different ways. And so it's just trying to verbalize all of those those thoughts and emotions. Like right right now that are kind of going through it once. It’s just so difficult because it's like I want to say one thing, but then I want to say another thing. It just jumbles and just doesn't make sense at all.

Therapist: What if we gave them something tangible for you and your brain to identify so they- so that we can hear from all of them? From all of the places, from all of the different feelings, all the different points of view that you're having right now.

Me: I don't know if I have enough tangible objects

Therapist: So there's a lot in there, hey?

Me: Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily say “a lot”, but it certainly feels at least like four or five. It just feels like there's just so much going on

Therapist: So if they had headlines going on, what would one of their headlines be?

Me: I guess there’s the feeling of ‘control’ and “I wanted it to happen”. But then there's also the feeling of enjoyment and- I feel like these two- I don't think that they're the same but I feel like they're very closely intertwined. I don't know. There's that feeling of “I didn't want it to happen” but I enjoyed the fact that he knew that I wasn't really all for it, kind of thing. And liking that powerlessness. And I feel like I'm very much so connected to these two more than I am to the other ones. And then there's the feeling of “I didn't want that to happen” and the guilt of like “how did I let that happen?”. And then there's the- I don't know whether ‘complacent’ is the right word, but that thing of “Oh well this thing happened. I didn't really want it to happen but…”. Yeah I don't know whether ‘indifference’ is the word, but I think they're the main things that I can kind of feel into right now. And I think there's also similar to the whole ‘complacent’ kind of thing- There’s kind of like this complete shut off feeling, that “I am just there to perform”.

Therapist: In this moment, does that feel like enough? Are there any others, any other thoughts or feelings that are coming up? Anything else might want to be added?

Me: I don't think so

Therapist: Okay. What does it feel like in your body as you're looking at all of them?

Me: I don't know whether there's a sense of calm at the moment, or whether a partly shut off. Yeah I'm not sure. I think these two have been parts that have been those fragments of me that have been around the most, or the loudest. And I think, I don't know- I think maybe one of these parts here has more of an initiation kind of bit to it. Of just being, not in a persuasive way, but of just being more flirty.

Therapist: And you named this one as- The sense of it was control and “I wanted it”, and does that still feel like it? That still feels right as you're kind of playing with it? There’s this place where the sense that “I have control”, and the belief that lives in this part of all of this spectrum is that “I wanted it”. And therefore it would make sense that in that place there's an access to flirtation, sexuality, and initiating

Me: Yeah. And this is the part of me that Mox dislikes the most because she's the one that's a complete cunt.

Therapist: Oh, okay. Whose word is that one?

Me: Everyone's. I think it’s-

Therapist: What does she- How is she that makes her a cunt?

Me: I don't know. She's just very- I think she's definitely that part of me, Mila, that is very judgmental. Feels like I'm actually normal and making excuses for things. Feels like I don't need therapy, because there's nothing wrong with me, I haven't been through anything traumatic,because I was in control and I wanted things to happen when I was a kid. She is that one.

Therapist: So what makes her a cunt? Is it those things?

Me: That she's arrogant. Selfish. Those are probably the words that come to mind. It’s just this the sense of- I don't know whether it's necessarily an ‘entitlement’, but yeah just this-Yeah I don’t know

Therapist: I have a question. What do you think might have happened if she hadn't been there taking control, choosing a feeling of empowerment, choosing agency, saying “yeah, I’m fucking normal”. What might have happened?

Me: I probably would have killed myself many years ago and succeeded

Therapist: Yeah that's what I've thought for quite some time as well. And I think there are ways of supporting integration- Well, we don't like that word here- Supporting connecting with that part of you, and who you are and what you need now, because those qualities I have no doubt kept you here. And she doesn't need- She can keep believing them as long as she wants and needs to. We're not going to shift what she's holding on to, but I do think we can really help her see who and how you are now, and that some of those things she may not need to hold on to, she can let go of. And she can keep that strong “cunty” control, but only when she's ready.

Me: Yeah, I don't know. She's just not super cooperative for the most part. I mean, I don't know whether it was- It seemed like she was maybe playing ball a bit, or maybe it was that one *points to object second furthest from the right*. Because they are very similar, but not the same.

Therapist: If you have a sense of her right now, could you go inside and ask her what she might need. If there are any conditions or expectations that she might need in order to be willing to consider cooperating?

Me: I'm not sure at the moment. I think because there's that inviting, kind of thing, between her being around with these other bits today- that she seems more reluctant to acknowledgement and cooperation. That’s kind of the sense that I'm getting.

Therapist: Okay. Could you check and see, only if it feels okay, if she might be willing to return or even just be around somewhere inside you at another time, when it's just her that we're talking to?

Me: I don't know about that

Therapist: Okay.

Me: I feel like maybe she'll come on board a bit more when she *points to object second furthest from the right* comes on board. I feel like there are different levels of “things that are easier to get to”, kind of thing. I feel like she's like all the way fuck all up here

Therapist: And you right now, how are you?

Me: I wish things weren't so complex. It’s a lot easier and straightforward I feel- when I'm dealing with Mox, or dealing with B, or dealing with Everet, I feel like it's just a lot easier. Whereas when I'm dealing with different me’s it's just very disorienting I suppose. It’s just like things are connected but they're also not connected.

Therapist: Do you want to stop?

Me: Yes please

Therapist: Thanks for telling me

Taken from second recording

Me: There's that tensing up, which it just sounds so stupid, even though I know it's not but-

Therapist: Okay what happened there?

Me: It's that immediate jumping in that I have of that thought in my brain that by complaining about it, saying that him being annoyed at her, or feeling tenseness there- That immediate jump in of saying “oh well, you know it's not that bad”. That's kind of what jumped into my head. And I tried to override that with “Well no it's not, It makes sense because of trauma”.

Therapist: That part or that place that's jumping in to say “this is stupid” or “this is complaining”, can we respond to it, or talk to it?

Me: I guess. How?

Therapist: Is it worried about something right now? Because either I'm comfortable to chat with that part, or if you get the sense. It just jumped in as you're sharing it with me, and I know it's bigger than just us, but I'm hearing that part might be worried about something. So I just want to check in-

Me: From the part that jumps that says “that’s stupid”?

Therapist: “This is stupid. I know it's small. I know it doesn't”-

Me: Oh that other bit, the bit that jumped in after that. I guess there's a thought a lot of the time in general anyway of "I know these things”- when it comes to logical part of things- And I feel like at the point that I'm at in my journey right now, I should know these things and I should be able to apply these things, and that the thought shouldn't be there that jumped in prior to that, of “oh that's stupid”. So I think there's the
thought there-

Therapist: Okay, now something else is happening

Me: Yeah, there's the thought of wanting to, I don't know whether it's wanting to show how ‘good’ I am at knowing myself, or being attuned to myself and what my trauma responses are. I think that kind of comes into play there. Wanting to be able to show you “oh I know these. I know XYZ. I know these things”. I don't know why it's making me so upset.

Therapist: It’s really brave that you're sharing this with me so honestly. The jumping in that was happening, are you feeling that and were you feeling that “these are all parts of me”?

Me: Specifically like me, Mila? Is that what you mean?

Therapist: Yeah. That just “these are the different sides, these are the different thoughts that are happening for me”?

Me: Yeah I think so, but I don't know. Actually I don't know. I feel like that's subconsciously me just giving an answer because that might be the ‘right’ answer, and “I'm not entirely sure” would be my actual answer to that question.

Therapist: Okay. I was wondering if that part or voice that came in to say “oh this is stupid. It's just complaining. It's melodramatic”, if it might be trying to do something good by trying to make it hurt less. Maybe if it says that loud enough, or firmly enough, it will be felt. And the more vulnerable parts of you and places in you who validly are scared by those things, will maybe suddenly go “oh it was just stupid. Actually it doesn't matter”. And I don't know, but that's why I was asking, because I was sensing that it's not maybe trying to hurt you, it's trying to say “can we maybe please not hurt in this way anymore”. But it does hurt hey?

Me: Yeah just it hurts but in a different way. It hurts but I'm in control of hurting myself

Therapist: Pretty brilliant diffusion strategy hey? “If I can take all that on then I can predict what will happen, because I can keep it all in here, while also keeping that person down here. By reassuring my external and my internal “it's just me. Yes that's right, I am slow” , or “I was wrong”, or “I'm sorry””- It's really clever. Do you think it matched this situation?

Me: As in, what you’re describing?

Therapist: Did it feel like the best choice?

Me: It felt like the safest choice

Therapist: Okay. I can see you sitting with yourself and what's happening. Can you let that go in and just kind of drop in “it felt like the safest choice”.

Me: Yeah but there’s just

Therapist: What happened?

Me: There’s that voice of “it’s stupid” that I thought something was the safest choice, when there wasn't any there wasn't any threat of danger or anything like that around me.

Therapist: Okay, so just pause there, if it's okay. So we dropped in that it felt like the safest choice, and you're noticing this voice saying “yeah but ''. So just letting that be there wherever that is. You made a motion here before. And just just check in for a moment, if it feels okay. Can you go around? “Okay this part is saying “yeah but it was this, this, and this””- but check in and see where some of those more vulnerable, or wounded, or littler parts of you are. Is it alright to just stay with that sense for a moment? To let those smaller places in you really take in that you made a safer choice for them, to support a worry they have around conflict. Can they receive that? Can your body? Because I'm noticing some movement, and there's no right or wrong here. If there's any resistance, or blocking, or voices saying different things, let me know

Me: Yeah, I'm finding it difficult to sit with that because the nagging voice of me “making a big deal out of things”

Therapist: Okay so we're not going to go that close to it. Are you okay? I can see you doing some managing things. Are you alright doing them on your own? I'd like to be here with you.

Me: It's just such stubbornness. I feel like I should know what I'm doing, or I feel like I should know how- That I should be able to manage my emotions myself. I guess part of it is that thing of- That voice is jumping in now of “that’s so stupid”. But I guess part of it is that thing of “Look I can do this all by myself”, or “I'm so good at like doing these things”

Therapist: You are so good at doing so many things. What I'm seeing and feeling right now, sitting here with you, is that I'm sitting with you in a space where I am being let into the things that do hurt, that do have impact., that both are happening now and have a place in the past. And I'm sitting opposite one body that for most of its life has been carrying all of the feelings, responsibilities, for taking care of them, for figuring them out, and for doing it on its own. For how long? At least two and a half decades. And right now you're doing something different here. And yeah that is definitely going to activate that voice in there, it's probably worried for you. protective. “Might this mean we're not as healed, or healthy as we thought? Might there be danger here if I open up an actually say- because oof this body remembers if I opened up and said something wasn't okay, that wasn't safe- Do we dare do it now?”. So it's saying “No no no. This is stupid. This is silly. Be quiet. We've got this on our own”. I think that voice is trying to do something really important, and it's scared for you. And look at this fucking strength and vulnerability that you're telling me, and being with me in the tension of what's happening inside, and daring to be brave enough to say “even though this voice tells me it shouldn't matter”- If that's not a manuscript for healing I don't know what is.

Me: I feel like I should be doing more, that I should be doing better at it. That I need to be better than anyone else at it. That thing of going above and beyond, being an overachiever

Therapist: There’s a part of you that really wants to be special in it hey?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Does it need to hear that it is? Would it like to, or may I let it know?

Me: There’s a yes and no, because there's different parts around at the same time of wanting to be special, but then that part that are like “you're not special, you're nothing, you're-”

Therapist: Okay. Can you check with those parts, and if they don't respond to you maybe I can check in and see if it would be okay with them, for them to hold their beliefs, the things they want to say, I'm not going to try to change them, but would it be alright with them if I reassured the part that wants to be special? If I just talk to it for a moment? Maybe I can just ask you first, how little or big is this feeling, this part of you?

Me: I don't know, like six? Seven? I think

Therapist: May I speak to it?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Hey little one. I am so glad that you're here right now. It's so important to me that you feel safe enough to be here. Okay-

Me: That bit that's just jumping in, and I'm trying to push her side but she's just-

Therapist: Alright, okay so let's not try to push her. I'm going to let this little one know I'm not leaving, okay. I'm going to come right back to you. You have a bit of a fierce protector over here and she's not going to let us talk to you without us clearing it with her, and hearing what she has to say. But we're not going to leave you alone okay? And we're definitely going to come back to you because you are so special, the most special. So we're going to come back, all right? What's happening with her up over here? Would she tell me what she's saying, or does she want to tell you and have you tell me?

Me: I mean it's basically just a blurb of communication of her trying to- not necessarily block out what you're saying, but kind of as if the words are actually moving, and putting a door or a glass pane in between to stop them from actually sinking in. There's still that audio from it but “nope don't listen to her…That's not true”, kind of thing. Like, “that's not true! You're not special”

Therapist: Okay, yeah. Can you ask her what's that glass pane doing? What's it keeping out or keeping in?

Me: It’s keeping out the lie that I'm special, that that younger part is special. It’s keeping
that out because it doesn't it doesn't belong there.

Therapist: What does belong there?

Me: The opposite of that. That I'm not special, that I'm not good enough, that I am nothing essentially. That I'm not good enough or that I won't ever be good enough. That I'm always making a big deal out of things all the time, that I'm stupid.

Therapist: It's pretty hard isn't it? To accept and feel the loss of feeling special when an awful, abusive adult takes advantage of that specialness and then throws it away without telling you, or changes without it making sense to you.

*A minute or so of silence passes*

Therapist: You don't like that hey? Would you be willing to tell me what you don't like or what I got wrong? It's okay if you're pissed at me

Me: It's like she's sitting right next to me. It's like there this immense stubbornness of being pissed and annoyed and wanting to communicate that, but also being stubborn and not wanting to be here and participate in therapy.

Therapist: Okay. What side is she sitting on?

Me: *gestures to my right shoulder* This side

Therapist: That side? Okay. Can you let her know, first, I apologize for just speaking directly to her because I didn't get consent from you or from her to do that. That's my bad. And also I want to let her know, or have you let her know from me, she can be stubborn and she does not have to participate. I'm not going to push that right now, and I know I just did before, so if there's some broken trust I would completely understand why. She can hold her beliefs, she can hold what she feels for as long as she wants. I am not going to try to change them. I'm just also wanting her to know that I have my eye and my heart aware of some other parts, that they're not her, but there are some other parts who are really really struggling and need to be reminded of their specialness. Because for those parts they had something taken away from them, and they had someone who hurt them in ways that a child should never be hurt by an adult, and it's those parts that I wanted to reassure of their specialness.

How's she responding, is she still beside you?

Me: I don't know why I'm here, and I don't particularly want to be here.

Therapist: Hey. Yeah I know you don't want to be here, why are you? I mean, I'm happy to see you

Me: I don't know what I'm supposed to say

Therapist: Is there anything you want me to know, or that you want to tell me? Or yell at me?

Me: Yelling at you would imply that I'm hurt by something that you said.

Therapist: And you're not, are you?

Me: No. I just think what you're saying is incorrect

Therapist: Oh. Can you correct me? What'd I get wrong? I'm not asking you to prove it at all

Me: I think that you're incorrect because- I mean for one, I wasn't abused. I wasn't taken advantage of. I had control in the situation. And I know you're going to be like “A child can't consent to being in that space” and all of that stuff-

Therapist: Am I doing that?

Me: Not at the moment, because you're trying to gain my trust.

Therapist: Does it feel like a trick? Like I'm tricking you into sharing things to get your trust?

Me: It doesn't feel like a trick, it IS a trick.

Therapist: How do you know? How can you be sure? Are there things you've seen or heard me do with others, or tried to do with you? Because I'd really like to understand

Me: I feel like these questions are all prompts, they're all part of it. Everyone else wants to change my views, change my opinions. That's part of their end goal, and to do that they need me to participate. And even at the moment I'm communicating and saying things which will give you a better understanding of me, which in turn will give them a better understanding of how to change my mind. Even saying that I’ve probably said too much.

Therapist: Yeah I can understand how it feels like that. Like giving me anything is too much. Do you want proof?

Me: Proof of what?

Therapist: That I'm not here to change your mind

Me: You can’t give me proof. People lie all the time

Therapist: Ah- yeah. And you're keeping that out hey? With those glass panels, like the lie of being special

Me: Yes

Therapist: Does it feel like if you let anything or anyone in, it would mean having to let everything in?

Me: It's a stepping stone

Therapist: I meant it when I said before, to the other Mila, that you can hold on to this for as long as you want. I haven't lived your life. It's not up to me to make a decision about what you should do, or have any kind of opinion about what supposedly is better. I do want to get to know you though. Can I ask you a question?

Me: I can't guarantee that I'll answer it but sure

Therapist: Okay. Would you be willing to think about maybe letting me get to know you? And to think about that for as long as you want?

Me: I don't know. I feel like you're still trying to gain my trust to try and change my mind. I don't want to change my mind. If anything, I want to change their minds.

Therapist: I can hear you, and I can hear the emotion and the firmness. Why?

Me: “Why” what?

Therapist: What would happen- What would be the worst thing- What would have to change for you if say; some of the things that I was saying weren't all incorrect. What would that mean for you?

Me: I don't know because it's not- It doesn't make sense. The idea that you have that I wasn't in control, or that I was being manipulated, or groomed, or anything like that, it doesn't make sense. All of it

Therapist: Okay. So it doesn't make sense that you were groomed, or harmed, or abused in any way?

Me: Correct

Therapist: Okay, so what did happen? What's your story?

Me: Again-

Therapist: You think it's a trick?

Me: Yep. You want to hear my story so you can challenge it so I have this massive breakthrough, and I start crying and I realize that I was wrong this whole entire time.

Therapist: Yeah those are some pretty specific views on therapy hey?

Me: I suppose. I suppose you could count them as views, I don't think they’re views. Views are like when people believe in God. It’s not a view, it's the truth

Therapist: I know for me, my motivation here is not to have you feel like you are wrong, at all. I have no desire or intention to inflict harm.

Me: I'm not afraid of you inflicting harm on me. I don't think you can inflict harm on me

Therapist: Okay- well it strikes me that the feeling of wrongness or badness lives in many other parts. So for me it felt important to clarify for you that that is not what I am driving here. That would compromise my Integrity in my relationship with all of you, to have any part of you feel, and you especially, that you are wrong in some way
Me: She’s *gestures to right shoulder*

Therapist: Do you want to take a minute? Or a few?

Me: No it's just that's there’s this- and I'm trying to stop myself from doing it because I know I don't need to do it- But there's just this feeling of frustration or anger at at myself, or at at her for like- I just feel like she's quite rude, and there’s just this want to just apologize and say sorry

Therapist: I know honey, hey it's okay. I'm okay. She can be how she is when she chooses to turn up, because I meant what I said to her about not trying to change her, and that nothing about her is wrong. I know how you feel about me, and I know how I feel about all of you, and definitely her included, and it is not conditional. Nobody is required to be on best behavior here

Me: I just don't like that she's rude

Therapist: Yeah I know you don't. I can understand it. I let her know I'd like to understand it more so that I'm not making judgments that just come from my own ideas in my own head, but that's kind of on her terms.

Me: I think it's hard though because I feel like I'm also the one stopping it. I know that she
doesn't want to participate, but also I don't like the way that she is, or the way that she behaves. I don't like her being rude to you

Therapist: What is that like for you? What don't you like about it?

Me: It makes me upset. I don't like treating people like that. I don't want to be like that. It’s not nice. I guess I feel like it makes me a bad person. I don't want to be a bad person, or mean, or not nice, or rude, or any of that. I don't I don't want to be like that.

Therapist: I don't think you're a mean person

Me: I think she's mean, therefor I'm mean. I feel like she's not cooperative, and I don't like that.

Therapist: It's really hard isn't it sometimes to kind of reckon with all the different parts of us? To try to hold that we're kind, and sweet, and caring, and a bit cunty, and sometimes rude, and sometimes angry, and sometimes defiant, and stubborn. It can be especially hard if we didn't feel like we could really be all those multi-dimensional parts of us as we grew up. I tend to notice that the most exiled parts are the parts that hold the most firmly to their feeling. Because they never really got a chance to just kind of ‘be’ it. And I would imagine that would feel pretty overwhelming if you feel like every time you feel something you're not ‘supposed’ to feel, that it's supposed to be suppressed, or exiled, or put somewhere else. Can you imagine two and a half, or more, decades of certain emotions just going to one place, to one part? How many, how strong they’d be in there? That's why it's not linear honey. And there isn't an expectation on time, because just like you, every part of you has been holding a really specific kind of feeling, and story, and experience, for a long time, different lengths of time; so that they each require a really different way of being with them. Where'd you go?

Me: I don't know

Therapist: Okay. Are you alright where you are?

Me: I don't know ‘where’ I am.

Therapist: Okay

Me: It’s like I know where I am, but it's like it comes and goes. I don't how to describe it

Therapist: If it feels okay to just let it come and go, and not know who's around right now, just keep letting it do that if it feels okay. If it also feels okay, maybe just gently grab your lovely little bunny that's down there, or any of the things on the table. I'm right here. Just gently check in on your temperature just to see if you're warm. or cold, needing anything changed.

Me: …

Therapist: Hey

Me: I don't know why I'm back here, and it's irritating me

Therapist: Did you just come back? Is there anything unfinished between us right now?

Me: I don't know. I feel like I’m on a- I don’t even know. Not like a merry-go-round, just some sort of sh shitty fucking carnival ride at the moment.

Therapist: Okay. Do you want to get off?

Me: Mhm

Therapist: Okay can we do some really-yeah, making space for those yawns. What kind of fabric is that bunny?

Me: Um, it’s- I don't know the word

Therapist: Because it looks like corduroy

Me: That's the one

Therapist: Oh, is it?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Did you know that Miri was bringing it back for you?

Me: I knew that she was going to be bringing me a- *I got lost in my mind for a moment* Go away! Um- I knew that she was

Therapist: Hey, I’m going to come to the floor okay? Is that all right? I just want to be in your line of view, without any expectation that you have to look at me, but in case you want to.

Me: The thing is her not wanting me to be grounded and just wanting me to suffer

Therapist: Yeah, so she's still pretty here hey?

Me: yep

Therapist: What's happening inside?

Me: Her just not wanting me to feel grounded, her wanting me to struggle

Therapist: Okay. Is that what it feels like or that's what she's wanting- struggle?

Me: Yeah the second one, which is wanting me to feel pain, feel shitty, just not be-

Therapist: Okay. Is that what she is saying, or did you ask her?

Me: That's definitely the emotions that I'm getting passed through, but when I ask it directly, even though I know that that's the answer- when I ask it directly she's declining to agree or communicate that with me in a direct way

Therapist: It feels like she wants you to feel pain?

Me: Yeah

Therapist: Okay. If this feels too much we don't have to do it, or if it feels like your body says
no, could we, if it feels okay, just try when you feel ready raising your eyes for just a moment. Us looking at one another taking a full breath, both the inhale and the exhale while looking at each other, and just notice if anything shifts.

Me: She's not as close by

Therapist: Does that feel better? Worse? The same?

Me: Better
*able to return to answer about the bunny toy
I didn't know that she was going to get me this specific Miffy, but I did ask her when she went over if I could have a Miffy doll. She said that she would look for one of the ones that have a little cheese making outfit thing but couldn't find any, but she found this one.

Therapist: It's a different color than most of your other stuffies and bunnies, or at least the ones I've seen

Me: mhm

Therapist: Yeah? What’s happening?

Me: I don't know. I don't know what was happening in my brain

Therapist: Is she around?

Me: Fucked if I know who's around

Therapist: Okay

Me: Yeah, I don't know my brain just feels like it's- I don’t have the words. It just feels like a complete absolute fuck around shitshow. Yeah

Therapist: Yeah?

Me: Like I'm fine, just mean it's just a bit of a blegh at the moment

Therapist: Okay. We're not going to rush, that blegh might stay for a while. Is it okay to sit in it? I'm not rushing in because we've had a lot of- it's been very verbal and it might want just a few minutes, or more than that, of us being here. And I'm right here with you, but you can take 1 minute, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, just letting it settle, or mesh, or blend, reorient, integrate