Hi 2025, what's happening this year?
Sometimes I’m amazed that I’m still ‘functioning’. I suppose we can thank the compartmentalisation for that.
Today is a good day. I feel hopeful, more balanced. Also caffeinated. I’m currently in touch with the parts of self that are more adept at self care, soothing, and organisation. It’s certainly a welcome break from the stress I have been feeling for the past month. December typically is harder than most months for me, for a myriad of reasons. December is when there’s a break period from therapy. December is when my brain reminds me the most of my childhood abuse. December nine years ago was when I had to move back to my hometown after I had 2 suicide attempts. December is when Christmas falls, and Christmas reminds me of my family choosing the person who sexually abused me growing up instead of me. Christmas also reminds me that I am now alone. No partner, no family, just me.
I spent most of December 25th sleeping, crying, and dissociating. Granted, that is how I spent many days of December while alone, it was just extra that day. On the 26th I ended up going to the Royal Botanical Gardens with my support worker. Spoiler: I cried and dissociated there too. Mental moments aside, I have been getting out of the house more often. My support worker designed a holiday program for me during the period in which my therapist is away, full of fun activities and adventures. Other than the Botanical Gardens I’ve also done some thrift shopping at various op shops, explored Sappho bookstore, visited the Australian Museum, and went to a smash room. The latter of which I cannot recommend enough.
The absolute catharsis and emotions parts of me experienced as I smashed a bunch of crockery with a baseball bat was… I’m struggling to find a word to describe it. I remember sitting on the empty milk crate that was previously full of breakable goods while in the smash room just bawling my eyes out, sharing that moment with a part of me that has only recently started to question her feelings towards the primary perpetrator of my childhood abuse. My body may have been in pain from the physical efforts of hitting the pile of breakables, and the physical manifestations of memories felt in those moments, but it was beyond worth it. If it weren’t so costly (at least while essentially living disability payment to disability payment) I’d love to go once or twice a month. Being able to get in touch and share emotions with those parts of self has only occurred few times in therapy, but the contained and time restricted environment of that room felt really helpful for all of me.
Speaking of finances, gosh renting sucks. The public housing application list is long from what I’ve heard and considering I had a month time frame that was given to me by my ex, who owned the house I was previously living in, I needed to find somewhere to live asap. I had psychosocial recovery coaching today, where I spent almost 2 hours going over my finances with my support worker. Money is a big stressor in my life at the moment, as is the spoons required for taking care of all of these animals. Perhaps I was naïve in thinking another rabbit wouldn’t make much of a difference, but I had high hopes that bonding her to the others would be as smooth as it was when I went from 1 rabbit to 2. Unfortunately it was not, and I now have her housed in the kitchen, while the other two are in the main area still. I don’t regret getting the 3rd rabbit however, as she is emotionally supporting me in the ways I had intended my 1st to go before aspects of my previous relationship lead me to need to get a 2nd rabbit to give the 1st company.
Sundae, my Netherland Dwarf accompanies me most places. She comes to PRC with me, on some outings, and to therapy. She loves therapy and adventuring the space while I sob to my therapist about how overwhelmed I am. Sure she isn’t a trained assistance dog, but I think she helps me a lot.
What else has occurred in the past few months? I reconnected with one of the friends I used to game with, which has been really nice to do on a one on one level. We hadn’t talked in months since she disappeared from the group chat, and I finally took the leap to reach out and ask why she left and how she was doing. We’ve been chatting and gaming practically every day since. Unfortunately she doesn’t live in my state, however, it’s nice to have regular connection with someone.
Like I said earlier, today is a good day. Which is a breath of fresh air from how low I have been feeling recently. Like really low. Bordering on worrying levels of low. As my dark humour goes “thank gosh I have these pets to look after”. Boopy doop. Anyway. Tomorrow I’m going to the Museum of Contemporary Art with my support worker, which I’m keen for. I’ve also started exercise physiology weekly to help my mental and physical health, and I’ll be starting speech therapy soon to help my anxiety which in turn could be useful for my public speaking goals. Many new things to explore this year, and I’m trying to give myself grace for not meeting my quota of tangible productivity. By that I mean making content or writing my memoir. It is so hard pulling myself back from the spiral my mind goes into when I think about how little I have done since my “look at all the time I have now I am living alone” thoughts.
One thing at a time. One day at a time. Gently, gently. Slowly, slowly.
Happy New Year? May the year bring kindness and new adventures