Self-critical Sunday

Turns out that living by myself is actually fucking hard.

I’m exaggerating again, surely it’s not that bad? It really isn’t. I’m not in danger or unable to feed myself, so why complain? Despite the sun being out today it’s one of those periods where I am a bit down on myself, self-critical. The cost of living is high right now and I just dropped almost $2k on an emergency vet consultation because I was selfish and got another rabbit, which, mind you, has not been well received by my other female rabbit; hence the trip to S.A.S.H. My memoir savings, which also is doubling as my rainy day savings took a big hit. I need a job. I need to stop being lazy. That sentence is what my mind tells me on days where I’m feeling like this. The volume on parts like Scribe, Ether, or Echo is turned down. I can barely hear the positive or logic about how I’m not lazy or why it is I’m unable to work. Writing that sentence alone just causes those judgy thoughts to peak.

Rent being so stupendously high, at least in relation to the pension I receive is a big part of the problem. I was hoping to negotiate a deal with my property manager for rent to be reduced considering almost 2 months had passed since I submitted a maintenance request for my oven to be fixed. I had to create a case with the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal (NCAT), which seems so ridiculous to need a court order to have an oven fixed. I had my fingers crossed that given previous communication where they stated the oven issue couldn’t be fixed/ was out of their hands that I could be saving $30ish a week in rent. Unfortunately last week I received a call from an electrician stating they’d be coming to look at the oven the next day. He came in, pulled the oven out, investigated the wall switch, turned it ‘off’, and voila! Working oven. Much like the bathroom sink, it was fitted backwards. 2 months for a 5 minute job. I suppose it’s good to have a working oven now, but realistically, unless I’m cooking pizza or doing a tray of clay, I’ll be using the airfryer.

Even my writing feels like it’s lacking depth. I want to be a ‘professional’ lived experience advocate. I want to produce informative content mixed in with my lived experience. I want to do public speaking, or podcasts. I want a career in something that perhaps doesn’t make me want to eh… off myself? Haha. But I have zero qualifications, and the last time I went out to a public event, which I wasn’t even speaking at, I got overwhelmed, cried, and had to leave. “Do you seriously believe YOU could do public speaking?”, brain.

There are other things I enjoy like the prospect of social media management. But I have zero qualifications for that. I don’t have the drive to go through a university or TAFE course. I tried uni earlier this year and became overwhelmed, and a bit bored of the content because it was just filler nonsense. How do people wake up and have the drive to do things every day? I have a small revving of drive, realize I need to do other important things first like tidy my apartment, care for my animals, and then I run out of spoons. Or I get tempted to escape my sense of overwhelm and play games with my… nice but honestly they’re pretty right wing and I really don’t feel super safe around but they sort of feel comfortable to parts of myself that grew up around that sort of mentality - online ‘friends’.

My latest occupational therapy report recommends I see a speech pathologist. I scramble for and stumble over words when I’m anxious, which is a lot of the time. Parts of my brain don’t like being perceived. I worry about saying the wrong thing, or other people’s impression of me. Yet I want to do public speaking. Part of me wants to apologise for the lack of structure in the blog post. I feel embarrassed for posting this, because it should be better. How am I going to be a professional if I post sloppy content like this?

As for my plans for the rest of the afternoon: I want to do some research on the latest NDIS changes, as I’m at the start of making a series of videos/posts focusing on the NDIS. Research is difficult but if I want to become a ‘professional’ I need some tools under my belt. After that, once my brain has deemed I’ve been productive enough not to enter a self-loathing spiral, I’ll play some online games. I have 4 close friends I need to message back as well. Why is socialising so difficult sometimes?

Happy Sunday! /s