Solar powered spoons

It’s amazing how the weather can affect one’s mood. I’ve spent the past two days avoiding messages from friends, ditching a catchup with my dad, not getting out of bed until midday, and feeling useless. Although I’ve felt similarly before when my bipolar swings over to the depression side of things, I know that the past two days were almost entirely weather induced.

For the past while now I’ve become quite attuned to the fact that overcast weather leaves me feeling sad, depressed even, and sometimes has me questioning my existence. It’s a specific type of overcast weather too. Not quite raining, because I do like the rain, however, it’s like if it hits below a certain percentage of visible sunlight my brain says “nope, fuck this, fuck you, everything sucks”. Although I spent some time yesterday berating myself for my lack of productivity, I did grab a metaphorical lap blanket from my metaphorical cupboard and vented to my support worker about my feelings of uselessness. As much as I tried to reach out to those parts of myself that are kind and reassuring, the fog that rolled over my brain was proving it difficult to do so.

“It’s the weather to just rest. Productivity can come another day”, my support worker responded to my text. I sighed to myself, partly relieved at the reassurance that I wasn’t a lazy sack of shit, and ever so slightly annoyed at myself that I manipulated her into consoling me. I made myself a cup of tea and decided to hop on discord and spend the rest of the day gaming with some of my online friends.

Today is Wednesday and the sun percentage is above whatever the fuck it was for the past two days. That and I am feeling well rested. I’m still yet to get into my desired sleep schedule, but last night I had my eyes closed and a rainforest sleep playlist on by 10pm, which is a new personal best. I think I’d like to aim for 9:30, but again, 10 is okay. 10 usually means I wake up at around 8am, which my brain works better on than the recent 11am wakeups. To be fair, it is a slow week this week and there is no specific reason to be up early, at least in comparison to last week's adventures. I had group therapy, my regular two hour session, my fortnightly one hour session, two hours of psychosocial recovery, AND an outing for a few hours on Sunday which went as follows:

My support worker and I are driving to Raymond Terrace this Friday for a mental health ‘fun’ day so I thought it might be a cool idea to purchase a new outfit for the occasion; That and I just wanted an excuse to go op shopping. She made us a little itinerary for the day which was really sweet. Breakfast and an Op Shop Hop. What could possibly go wrong? Dreary weather and a trauma response, that’s what. The thing is, overcast weather not only dampens my mood a bit, but it often brings out more vulnerable parts of self. Things said in good faith can often be interpreted through a trauma lens; and when my support worker asked me whether setting a goal of taking an uber to my fortnightly therapy sessions would be something I’d look to work towards, something in my brain went into freeze mode.

She wants to leave me with a stranger? A strange man? What if he assaults me?

Despite the fact that I could use another service or request a female driver, parts of my brain were going into a panic. I started to tear up. “Don’t you dare cry” I thought to myself. Some caretaker parts stepped up to self soothe, and before I knew it a small amount of tears were rolling down my right cheek. I discreetly wiped them away so as to not draw attention to myself. Although I had already cried in front of my support worker before, Mila’s fragments (the parts of me caught in this trauma response) had only recently gotten to the point of integrating their emotions with the rest of self. Crying in front of others is still seen as a “weakness”, so I am taking care not to push. Emotions of panic were also mixed with emotions of relief from others that the panic was being shared in the first place. A lot of mixed emotions however, often sets me up for a shaky day. I bounced between anxiety and attempts to soothe for the next hour or so. I teared up after entering the cafe as I didn’t know what I wanted to eat, and because the space felt so small even with only six other patrons inside.

At some point after consuming my donut, and several parts pushing forward to try to continue adulting for the day with no success, my mind defaulted to feeling nothing for a while. Anxiety crept its head in every now and then as I tried on a few outfits, but for an hour or so I was relieved of the burden of emotions. That was until I found three outfits and a pair of shoes I wanted to try on in the same op shop. Praise be to Newtowners and their fashion. I came across a cute businessy kind of dress while we were at Salvos, alongside a denim tunic and a sundress. There was also a kickass pair of boots that were my size. My internal dilemma came with the cost of the items.

The only savings I currently have are that of my ‘Memoir’ account, because I’m determined to see out that goal of publishing my writing. Due to moving however, I’ve had to spend some of that, though the majority of it I put on my Zip in the hopes of my superannuation withdrawal request being approved. Now all I can do is dip into my memoir funds while my Zip balance of $20 groans at me each time I open the app. And so, as I walked out of the changeroom my mood began to plummet into a state of anxiety and overwhelm as I internally told myself that I am being greedy and entitled by buying clothes as I have outfits at home. I decided against the shoes, those were $50, plus my boots that the rabbits had nibbled on still did the job. I was going to walk out empty handed, but my support worker encouraged me to purchase the denim dress and businessy demure number because I felt comfortable in them and was allowed to have more than 5 pinafores. We walked out of the store and she enquired whether I wanted to have a look at the op shop next door. With tears welling in my eyes and my mouth starting to tremble, I looked down at the ground and said “I want to go home”.

So for the past two days I’ve been recharging since that, plus an emotional therapy session last week. I recharge on solar it seems.