Will Money [be] Well Spent?

Firstly

How does one even use money?
By no means am I wealthy, I mean, obviously not, I currently am on disability welfare payments, and the only reason I can afford the copious amounts of therapy that I attend is through another form of government assistance, which I am incredibly thankful for...

For the past few years I have been in debt, smallish debt. Not huge. Hundreds to sometimes thousands, but debt of the sorts, thanks to my ZipMoney account. I use this account because it's easier to pay things back than it is to buy things outright, you know, due to lack of money and all. A few years ago I bought my laptop using this account, which mathematically would have taken perhaps seven months to save up for. Purchasing it via Zip meant I had immediate ability to work on video editing, play games, the usual kind of computer stuff.

This sounds like an ad for ZipMoney lol

My point is that I've never really 'had' money. Very recently, however, I had a relative pass away, and apparently I was in the will. I have a lot to say about this, so bare with me. For those unaware, I grew up with my mothers side of the family, my parents divorced when I was an infant, and my dad went back to England shortly thereafter. I did not know his family, and to be honest, I didn't know him much either. Aside from a handful of visits across the period of my childhood, it wasn't until I was an adult that we really reconnected. I still struggle with this a lot, but the entirety of those emotions are a tale for another day.

Ever since going non-contact with my mothers side of the family after they were so kind as to knowingly invite the person who sexually abused me as a child to Christmas lunch, withheld the truth about it from me for a year, then blamed me for not being compassionate to their circumstances; I became closer to my father. Don't get me wrong, my communication with him is still pretty awful in terms of reply time, but it's on par with the other people I love in my life. I even opened up to him about the abuse, which took a lot of mustering up to do, which perhaps is also a tale for another day. But he believed me and wanted to support me. This has all occurred a few years down the line after my visit to the UK in 2019 mind you. In terms of his family, I still barely know them. I've met two of my blood relatives, both of which was during my visit, but the rest I know nothing about.

Late last year, however, I was informed my grandmother had passed. I was unsure how to feel about this. Sad? Surely not. It would be selfish to grieve someone I never knew, wouldn't it? I can't entirely recall how I felt upon hearing the news, but there was definitely a sense of guilt of never getting to meet her before she died. Never getting to spend time with her, knowing what she was like, hearing stories about my dad as a kid. And it made me think of nan, my mothers mum, and how much I missed her. If I had known and been close to this lady, would I have had a plethora of memories to miss as well? Who knows. But somehow, even after never having had met her in my entire life, I was written in her will. Through her passing I actually got in contact with my aunt, I have one of those! I'm not close enough to her to reminisce about trauma, but she knows I have some issues in my hippocampus haha. Sidenote: It's been nice having that connection and being able to give her updates about my life nowadays. Anyhow, she has been my main point of contact for death stuff, as she was the one organising the legal/financial side of things. Fun fact: finalising estates takes a while. You would think I would know that after working in a bank.

I was never sitting on the edge of my seat like a money hungry grave robbing gremlin, because firstly I was still confused about why a stranger like me was in the will. Secondly, my dad didn't pay child support, so I wasn't sitting expecting an exorbitant amount as though my mystery family was ballin. Thirdly, I'd like to think I'm a decent person.

Around half a year has passed since her loss, and I was asked a few days ago for my bank details as everything had been finalised. I had to contact my bank for the swiftcode, due to it being an international transfer, but once I had that, my aunt was pretty quick with giving the details to the people in suits that deal with all this stuff.

The next morning I woke up to a payment notification on my banking app. I won't say the exact amount, but I was floored. I thought it'd be rainy day funds, however, it seemed to be funds for some pretty wet weather. Like I said earlier though, I don't come from money. My family was probably working class growing up? So the amount I inherited was a large sum for me, and I think others would see it as such as well, maybe not nepo babies... But it's enough to write home about. It's enough to allow me to visit England again, which is where we now arrive at my dilemma, my emotional turmoil.

Needs, wants, obligations, fears and frustrations.

International travel as a spoonie is hard. Last time was great for sure, but that's not to say it wasn't difficult. There were many changes that had to be made, location and accommodation cancellations due to shifts in my mental health and emotional capabilities. I dread the logistics of travelling abroad, but I enjoy meeting those I care about. What could be more enjoyable than rekindling the relationship with my supportive side of the family?
Would going overseas immediately glue that connection. Somehow physically seeing people makes them seem more 'real' in my mind, probably a pretty common thought for many. But ugh, travelling is a LOT. Mentally, physically, emotionally. But I should go, after all, I have money, that THEY gave me. I should go so they know I'm grateful for the funds this stranger gave me. I need to do something good with the money I am undeserving of. Not showing my appreciation in this way would be bad; It would make me bad, selfish, ungrateful, spoilt. I don't want to be any of those things that child-me was, things that made her deserving of the consequences. I want to be good, good-ness means deserving of unconditional love. I can never naturally or genuinely be good, but I can at least try tick all the boxes as to what good is.

Spending time with others and getting to know them is good, bringing them gifts is good, making sure you tell them how thankful and grateful you are is good, not wasting things they give you is good. Not coming home six months early from an international exchange due to silly little uwu suicidal ideation, even after the costs were paid upfront and would have required some sort of debt or loan but she loved and wanted to give her spoiled bratty daughter an opportunity, one that the ungrateful girl wasted and never paid back as an adult even after multiple occasions of being reminded of the funds she costed the mother for the unfinished trip... Doing the opposite of that is good. I don't want to be bad, wasteful, ungrateful. If I can prove I am good to this family, then they will love me and support me. I was bad in that family, that’s why they didn't care about what I had to say. I can't blame them, though. I was bad, and it was selfish to expect support. This time will be different, though, it's like a do over. I need to show my appreciation, even if it's at my own emotional/mental/physical expense. They want to know me. Do not turn down that opportunity.

Make sure the trip is long. Spend lots of time with them. Bring your partner, act normal. Talk about your accomplishments, make sure they know how good you are. Make sure you show them your best self they can be proud of you. No silly little flaws, be on your best behaviour. You must show them you did indeed deserve the funds and know how to spend them wisely like a functional adult. Do not let them see you're defective, don't show a single sign of weakness. No fear, no sadness, only happiness and smiles.

I don't know whether or not to buy a ticket, would I be doing it for me, or for them?

And what if I go, and disappoint them by letting my brokenness slip, what then? I already lost the respect of one half of my family, I can't bear the thought of losing the other half too, especially when it feels like I was already abandoned by them once before.

You're being too sensitive, too whiny, too spoiled.

I cannot spend the money on myself alone, I need to be selfless, I must show that I am good.

The emotional turmoil is agony.

Silly little nightime thoughts: Perhaps I could write a memoir and use the funds to publish it instead